Lol.

He sounds like Kermit the Frog too.

OK, I just spent part of my evening researching this fine fellow, and DEAR FREAKING GODS. He makes Tuxedo Mark seem positively well-adjusted. Is that stuff about him sticking his Sonichu medallion where the sun doesn't shine really true?

The whole medallion-up-the-ass business went over the line, I think. But the CWCki does a good job of documenting things, and I think there's some fairly compelling evidence that Chris--autism or no--is a severely delusional and self-centered individual. I attended a special ed school, and there were quite a few autistic kids there, some of them much more low-functioning than Chris--but I never saw anything like that, not ever.

There's transcripts of conversations with white knights, anti-trolls . . . all kinds of people who want to help him. It never turns out well.

Agreed: Liquid Chris was comedy gold. If nothing else, though, I think the essential Chris-chan story is his entry in the Chop Chop Master Onion Rap Showdown contest, and the subsequent fallout from it. Warning: that's a link to CWCki, and goddamn it, that thing's almost as bad as TVTropes.

I've been tracking this guy online for ages (by tracking, I mean reading and keeping up with CWCki updates- I do not troll). And no matter the warnings, no matter how persistently stubborn he is and how totally absurd all of his actions are, I can't fight the temptation to just tell him to stop. Stop using youtube, stop writing, stop everything. He needs to disappear from the internet entirely and devote his energies to something that will improve his life.

But...

OK, his ridonkulous exploits are fascinating. Sue me.

SONICHU ISSUE 1: THE SWELLING

Zeiss: Alright, now - I know a fair bit about CWC himself, but not too much about the comics. I'm basically going into this one blind.
Mafi: Prepare to be horrified.
Zeiss: Oh, I've prepared myself.

Cover

Zeiss: By God.
Mafi: Let's count how many copyrights are being infringed upon.
Zeiss: Probably about 11 80's hair band logos in the title font alone.
Mafi: TRICK QUESTION: NONE, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS COPYRIGHTED TO CHRIS LOLOLOL
Zeiss: DAMN THAT CHRIS AND HIS MEDIA EMPIRE
Mafi: There's a lot of SCIENCE! in this issue. Are you prepared?
Mafi: LET'S TURN THE PAGE.
Zeiss: *Puts on SCIENCE! hat*

Page 1 and 2

Mafi: "Or otherwise parodic"
Mafi: What.
Zeiss: I cannot help but hear everything Chris writes as Strong Sad.
Zeiss: Perhaps there is a CWC-Melissa connection?
Mafi: Well, can't unhear damn it.
Mafi: I DIDN'T MAKE THIS COMIC FOR THE LIKES OF YOU.
Zeiss: Well, that's a lot of trouble to go through then, what with copyrighting everything and such.
Mafi: This issue was brought to you by an accidental dose of CHERRY COLA
Zeiss: I wish someone had spilled an accidental dose of Cherry Cola on the page.
Mafi: Also, what are we looking at in that first picture? An anus?
Zeiss: More like a probiscis of some sort.
Zeiss: ...Has CWC snuck in the German flag?
Mafi: This proves it. Chris-chan is a Nazi.
Mafi: Somehow I always knew.
Zeiss: Alas, the old handbuzzer gag.
Mafi: Oh hey, and look it's the return of Chris' evil twin and some generic anime villains.
Mafi: HEH HEH
Mafi: I'm bored of this, let's turn the page.

Page 3 and 4

Zeiss: What the hell is on Naitsarrahhkhlhjret's head? It looks like a red Haunter putting its fists up.
Mafi: Bill is a hero to us all.
Zeiss: Where did the omelot come from? What is going on?
Mafi: Bill has single handedly discovered a link between hair color, DNA and flavored carbonated syrup.
Zeiss: He's also throwing a DNA sample into a large, mechanical snail.
Mafi: Well, that totally destroys my willing suspension of disbelief.
Zeiss: "Maybe it's the liquid, but Sonichu looks Black to me!"
Mafi: MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS.
Zeiss: Oh man, please tell me Black Sonichu speaks in vintage Jive Turkey.
Mafi: No, but he does offer some good ol' fashioned RACIAL TENSION!
Zeiss: In the "Hmmm..." panel, he's morphed into Pippi Longstocking.
Zeiss: "You are a Sonichu! You are a child's plaything!"
Mafi: Ready to turn the page?
Zeiss: Yep.

Page 5 and 6

Zeiss: Y'know, Naitzoqoatl, I think it's just you.
Mafi: "Drain the fluid and raise the tube" sounds like a terrible euphemism
Zeiss: Those faces...it's like the "Land Of Confusion" video.
Mafi: Don't be fooled: His brain waves are literally racing. It's like fucking NASCAR in there.
Zeiss: Knowing CWC, it's probably more like Mario Kart.
Mafi: There are some serious contenders against Zapdos.jpg on this page.
Zeiss: I can't look at Robotnik without laughing now.
Zeiss: I'm imagining him yapping like a little Terrier.
Mafi: Nasahasapimapetalan is really hung up on that Sonichu's skin color.
Zeiss: Giovanni: "LADIES?"
Mafi: EBONY AND IVORY, ZAP TOGETHER TO THE EXTREEEEMEEE
Zeiss: (DO NOT CROSS HIM)
Zeiss: (DO NOT COLLECT $200 CWCBUCKS)
Mafi: ...DID HE SERIOUSLY JUST TELL THE BLACK CHARACTER TO CALL HIM MASTER.
Zeiss: To be fair, Blacherrycolachu looks just as confused as he ought to be.
Mafi: ZEISS, PLEASE ACCEPT THESE ROCKET BOOSTERS AS YOUR FIRST SNARKING PRESENT
Zeiss: Robotnik: PAGE NUMBER OM NOM NOM
Zeiss: YAY
Mafi: NEXT PAGE

Page 7 and 8

Zeiss: NOW, BLACK SONICHU, YOU MUST SLAY THE GORGON
Mafi: Those aren't rocket boosters, those are t-bone steaks with jetpacks attached.
Zeiss: Dammit Robotnik, stop making me laugh.
Mafi: Robotnik and Bill are the best characters. I bet Bill invented the steak boosters.
Zeiss: I'll bet Bill also found the handy Sonichu printouts.
Mafi: They're very lax about the whole "contamination in a lab" thing.
Zeiss: So did CWC just give up on backgrounds altogether? 'Cause Giovanni's neck's gone missing.
Zeiss: And his forearms have merged into one claw hand.
Mafi: More like his arms are making a break for it
Zeiss: "I WILL BRAKE YOU ARMS"
Zeiss: Oh God, he is Joshcube.
Mafi: They are long lost brothers cloned by Bill.
Mafi: Anytime something nonsensical happens, we can blame it on Bill.
Mafi: Next page?
Zeiss: Sure.

Page 9 and 10

Zeiss: Murat can make rocks explode, but Blachu can make walls bleed.
Mafi: *cue Rocky theme*
Mafi: I mistook the spin-dash test for a rock going the way of Giovanni's arms.
Zeiss: It took me about a minute to figure out what the hell is going on in the "speed test".
Zeiss: Robotnik just keeps on giving.
Mafi: Oh Robotnik, we would be dead without you.
Mafi: Like, literally hemorrhaging in my brain.
Zeiss: He's starting to remind me of Noseybonk.
Zeiss: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_1QyOQDx6w
Mafi: Blachu's looking kinda hydrocephilac.
Zeiss: Sonichu's looking kinda squished.
Mafi: NEXT PAGE

Page 11 and 12

Mafi: Nope, I was right. Hydrocephalic. And it's getting worse.
Zeiss: FEATURING ARTWORK PAINSTAKINGLY TRACED FROM DEVIANTART
Mafi: Goddammit, I already saw this ad last time.
Zeiss: "Advance"...I thought that 'v' was caron, and that maybe there's a Czech version of this floating around.
Mafi: Chris is so lazy and unoriginal he can't even come up with more fake ads for his crappy sonichu merchandise.
Zeiss: Or a title for that other game.
Mafi: NEXT PAGE

Page 13 and 14

Mafi: Pallet Town is a single house.
Mafi: Which is smaller than Sonic's house.
Zeiss: Professor Oak gets very lonely sometimes, with nothing but the starters to keep him company...
Mafi: Oh please tell me the Zapdos returns in this comic.
Zeiss: Sonichu and Rosechu have apparently devolved into a crowd of CH4 atoms.
Zeiss: ROBOTNIK RIDING ZAPDOS
Mafi: OH GOD THE LAUGHTER WON'T STOP.
Zeiss: THE REACTION FACE TO END ALL REACTION FACES
Zeiss: "I roll d20 and summon Zapdos!"
Zeiss: KISSES MAKE SONICHU'S HEAD MONSTROUSLY INFLATE
Mafi: The hydrocephalus is spreading!
Mafi: Really, this whole comic is an excuse to use that word over and over again.
Zeiss: Next Page?
Mafi: Suuuure

Page 15 and 16

Mafi: Oh god, the look on Sonichu's face.
Zeiss: "I am gettin' laid tonight, baby."
Zeiss: Looks like Sonichu's body has caught up to his hydrocelaphy.
Zeiss: Either that or Rosechu has wilted.
Mafi: And then Sonic's arms were noodles.
Zeiss: The blue one is CWCchu, right? But Sonichu is also a self-insert...
Mafi: Zeiss, my heartsweet/sweetbolt, stop trying to inject login into the mouth of madness.
Zeiss: I should really know better. I'm pretty sure CWC has invented a new breed of Dadaism.
Mafi: Next page

Page 17 and 18

Zeiss: KOMEDY
Mafi: Oh my god, Zeiss.
Zeiss: Uhh...Oscarchu?
Zeiss: FEELS GOOD CHU
Mafi: Out of context moaning-chu
Zeiss: They've just realized, neither of them have boyfriends...
Zeiss: Meanwhile, Rosechu is deflating by the second.
Zeiss: OH NO, NOW HE'S GOING TO DO *BLACK* THINGS TO HER
Mafi: She's powered by Sonichu lust, which has now been transfered to this handsome new blue hedgehog.
Mafi: Getting dangerously Harley here
Zeiss: This thing was dangerously Harley to begin with. At least no one's drinking each other's blood yet.
Mafi: ...Yet.
Mafi: Turn the page?
Zeiss: Here I go...

Page 19 and 20

Mafi: Okay remember when I told you to lay off the logic? I take it back, explain that first panel to me.
Mafi: Read the 5th panel to the tune of "We're off to see the wizard"
Zeiss: The Black Sonichus aren't immune to hydrocephaly either!
Zeiss: Must be a hedgehog thing.
Mafi: No, Chris-chan suffers from a swelled head too.
Mafi: BA-DUM-TISH
Zeiss: I am now reading Rosechu as Rocko from Rocko's Modern Life, btw.
Zeiss: ANSWER ME CHRIS-CHAN: THE SCHOOL OF THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST...
Mafi: Wait, if Sonichu is the meshed combination of Sonic and Pikachu...then...who is this fake Sonic?
Zeiss: Do we ever find out what the hell that plesiosaur volcano thing is?
Mafi: Nope, that's one of life's little mysteries.
Zeiss: Oh man, that Sonichu by its mouth...
Zeiss: Textbook illustration of HERPADERP right there.
Mafi: PAGE TURN

Page 21 and 22

Mafi: EXPOSITION
Zeiss: QUESTIONNAIRE
Zeiss: "Let's find Rosechu with our GIANT ACTION HANDS"
Mafi: ZEISS, LOOK QUICK IT'S THE ONLY THING NOT COPYRIGHTED BY CHRIS-CHAN: THE AUTISM RIBBON
Zeiss: AS FLEETING AS A ZEPHYR IN THE WIND
Mafi: Speaking of herpaderp check out the Sonichu on that trading card
Zeiss: DURRRR
Zeiss: I like the giant disembodied Sonichu head. It looks like a hat.
Mafi: More like DRR...DRR...DRR...
Mafi: Chris-chan used Heart Fix!
Mafi: It's not very effective...
Zeiss: Moe Howard IS Christian Chandler IN The 40-Year Old Virgin WITH RAGE!
Mafi: SONICHU YOU CHOWDAHHEAD
Mafi: TURN

Page 23-24

Zeiss: YES VAUDEVILLE ROBOTNIK
Zeiss: THIS WAS WORTH THE WAIT
Mafi: "THAT IS SO LAME"
Zeiss: SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRIS
Zeiss: YOU PHILISTINE
Mafi: Shut your fucking mouth Chris, jesus
Zeiss: Shut your fucking virgin hole.
Zeiss: I wonder which Nicktoon he stole the song from...
Zeiss: "I idol Sonic!" AND IT SHOWS
Zeiss: Why is Chris wearing Moon Boots now?
Mafi: Because Blachu's wearing the steak shoes.
Zeiss: I seriously thought that it read "GOMBAT" for a second there.
Mafi: Next page?
Zeiss: YES

Page 25 and 26

Mafi: Oh no, Sonic caught the head swelling.
Zeiss: Everyone's caught the head swelling. It's transmitted via derpness.
Mafi: "This is the face of my nemesis Dr. Eggman"
Mafi: Derpes?
Zeiss: NOW YOU CAN TAKE ROBOTNIK WITH YOU AND LOL WHEREVER YOU GO
Mafi: Oh my god, what's happening on page 25.
Zeiss: "I know the Eggman, I am the Sonic!"
Zeiss: "Googoogachu!"
Zeiss: ...Aaaaand we wander straight into Instrumentality.
Zeiss: "Black Sonichu!" "No, Kunta - Kunta Kinte!"
Mafi: Look at those tiny hands goddamn
Mafi: Next page?

Page 27-28

Zeiss: SONIC SLAP, SONIC SLAP, SONIC SLAAAAAAAP
Mafi: Robotnik is getting increasingly jolly.
Zeiss: I'm starting to think he's one of the Boos from Super Mario World.
Mafi: Or Santa.
Zeiss: *MACH PUNCH* is my new favorite panel, btw.
Zeiss: Slapping someone who is standing still right in front of you = SNEAK ATTACK
Mafi: HE'S A GODDAMN NINJA
Zeiss: 'CAUSE HE'S *black*
Mafi: Anger=lightning bolts
Zeiss: Page 27: That arm's lookin' pretty good...coming out of the back of his neck there...
Mafi: Robotniks or Sonichus?
Mafi: ...Or both?
Zeiss: Robotniks and Sonichus and virgins, oh my.
Mafi: Next page?

Page 29-30

Mafi: More robotnik gold begging to become smilies
Zeiss: Robotnik's arms are just floating. Is he actually Rayman?
Mafi: I'm afraid for Sonic's arm that is withering away into nothing
Zeiss: And what the hell is in the first panel? It looks like CWCchu is punching a horse with his boner.
Mafi: There's a mental image I could have done without.
Zeiss: PAGE 28: IN WHICH CWC PAYS TRIBUTE TO A PROUD ANIMATION TRADITION
Mafi: Metal sonichu has a giant vagina in he center of his chest.
Zeiss: *Thunder Bullet!*, or *Thunder Ballet*?
Zeiss: ...oh crap, he does.
Zeiss: QUICK CWC MAKE YOUR MOVE
Mafi: METAL SONICHU/CHRIS OTP
Zeiss: Wait, why is he rapping with a Schnauzer?
Mafi: Because it's PARTY TIME
Zeiss: YOU'LL BE BUSTIN' THE CHUS AND I'LL BE BUSTIN' THE RHYMES
Zeiss: I really, really, wish the guys who made that movie would make a Sonichu adaptation.
Mafi: Oh my god. Oh my god. That must happen.
Zeiss: That would seriously make my decade.
Mafi: I'm going to make myself cancerous and ask the Make-A-Wish foundation to make it happen
Zeiss: NO, MAKE IT AN ANTHOLOGY FILM
Zeiss: SEVENTEEN ESTEEMED STUDIOS PRESENT THEIR VISION OF SONICHU
Mafi: STARRING ROBOTNIK AS PLAYED BY ROBERT DENIRO
Zeiss: COLEMAN FRANCIS SONICHU Y/N
Mafi: YYYYY
Zeiss: "Nothing bothers some people. Not even flying hedgehogs."
Mafi: Next page?

Page 31-32

Mafi: Oh god tiny sonichu in a snowglobe
Zeiss: SONICHU, YOU MUST SLAY THE ROBOT BY GENERATING AN ANUS
Mafi: SO MANY VAGINAS
Mafi: SO LITTLE TIME
Zeiss: His final attack looks like a party whistle.
Zeiss: "FIRE!" *WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Mafi: Sonic just jumped into his vagina.
Zeiss: That sentence pretty much sums up CWC right there.
Mafi: Goddamit.
Zeiss: Next page?
Mafi: Yup.

Page 33-34

Zeiss: Yay, let's consult the flow chart!
Zeiss: SHOCK
Mafi: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON
Zeiss: THESE TWO PAGES
Zeiss:
Mafi: SHOCK
Zeiss: DONCHA KNOW YOU GOTTA SHOCK THE ROSECHU
Zeiss: HEY HEY
Zeiss: SHOCK THE ROSECHU TONIGHT
Mafi: Today's moral: Never mess with true pokelove.
Zeiss: AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED
Mafi: In b4 Zeiss slaps my "teeff" out
Mafi: "THIS IS FOR MAKING ME READ THIS"
Zeiss: By pulling an ear of corn out of your hair, apparently.
Mafi: The moon looks like evil Mikey Mouse
Zeiss: I'm pretty sure your teeth were already rotten from the Cherry Cola anyway.
Mafi: Leave it to Bill!
Mafi: Next page?
Zeiss: Oh yes.

Page 35-36

Zeiss: SONIC SONIC SONIC
Mafi: I'm seeing double! 4 Rosechus!
Mafi: MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED
Mafi: SHOPPING SHOPPING SHOPPING
Zeiss: Rosechu replicated? Hedgehog hijinks? Find out on the next Sonichu!
Zeiss: Did CWC really draw himself with multicolored eyes?
Mafi: He has it in real life too thanks to a nasty pink eye infection.
Mafi: I'm really sad that I know that.
Zeiss: Yikes. If only I knew he was as much of a Sue in real life...
Zeiss:
Mafi: OH-HO A GEICO JOKE VERY DROLL SIR
Zeiss: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT IS A JOKE
Zeiss: WHAT IS GOING ON
Mafi: These two pages will begin Cyberwulf's slow decent into becoming a being of pure rage
Mafi: It only goes downhill
Zeiss: Oooh, I'm champing at the bit.
Mafi: NEXT PAGE.

Page 37-38

Mafi: oh god what
Zeiss: CHRISTIAN & THE HEDGEHOG BOYS / VIRGINS AND TEARS AND TOYS
Zeiss: CHRISTIAN & THE HEDGEHOG BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS
Mafi: Why is Felix rocking out on the drums
Mafi: And by rocking out I mean staring at me with his cold dead eyes
Zeiss: 'Cause he's horribly, horribly lost.
Zeiss: "SURELY YOU CAN EASE MY PAIN, NUGGETS"
Mafi: Oh good a comic about Chris' pathetic life because I totally care
Zeiss: Does Mary Lee Walsh show up in this one?
Mafi: Imagine Chris-chan trying to eat those eight chicken nuggets...seductively...
Mafi: No, unfortunately. No Jerkops, either.
Zeiss: Sorry, I can't hear you over MY BALLS SHRIVELING
Mafi: Zeiss' shriveled balls: 20% repaired
Zeiss: I HAVE STARTED MY NEW BALL QUEST
Zeiss: I could seriously take that "THE RISE AND FALL OF MY HEART" graphic and fool everyone into believing it was the album cover for the next Decemberists album. That's how bad it is.
Zeiss: And that's terrible.
Zeiss: Aaaand next page now

Page 39-40

Zeiss: FINALLY, SOMEONE WITH MICROCEPHALY AROUND THESE PARTS
Mafi: SWELLING HEADS ARE SO PASSE
Zeiss: Joe Don Baker IS Christian Chandler IN SUPERTHUMBS!
Mafi: I can't even concentrate on the left side of this page because the right side is so glorious
Zeiss: If I was faced with the ultimatum of shooping a giant dong into only one page of this, that'd be the one.
Mafi: That page is the ultimate expression of joy.
Zeiss: That page is the ultimate expression of DERP
Mafi: Chris-chan: Exploding Rainbows and Popeye arms
Zeiss: THERE'S SO MUCH CHRISSSSS THAT MAKES ME WEAK AND KNOCKS ME OFF MY FEEEEEEET
Zeiss: All this needs is a booming Rush soundtrack.
Mafi: And not mom jeans
Zeiss: I'd hate to leave, but...next page?
Mafi: Yes...if I can tear my eyes away.

Page 41-42

Mafi: Suddenly Rosechu out of fucking nowhere
Zeiss: "OH MAN I'M GONNA BROFIST ALL OF MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS"
Zeiss: PUNCH IT
Mafi: :awesome: in panel 5
Mafi: That girl's head is so tiny. Tiny leetle head.
Zeiss: Clearly, a lifetime of Chuck Paladuck has inured her to these things.
Mafi: Oh god he has a SONICHU SCRAPBOOK
Zeiss: And "SPRUNG"
Mafi: Double fail.
Zeiss: HIS TWO SOURCES FOR ADVICE ARE DATING SIMS AND IMAGINARY FRIENDS
Mafi: Zeiss, are you ready.
Zeiss: Another flirt spoiled by club hand.
Zeiss: BRING IT
Mafi: I'm going to do a double take flirt to you.
Zeiss: LET ME GET MY ZEISSCHU SCRAPBOOK
Mafi:
Zeiss: THIS IS ZEISSCHU AND HE'S A ZEISSCHU AND HE CAN DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS
Mafi: SECOND TAKE:
Zeiss: OH YEAH
Zeiss: WE'LL I'M GONNA GET YOU ONE BETTER
Zeiss:
Zeiss: SECOND TAKE:
Mafi: OH MAN I'M SO HOT RIGHT NOW
Mafi: Oh my god look at his DS
Zeiss: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Zeiss: haha this comic is rad
Mafi: Oh god, Zeiss caught Derpes
Mafi: NEXT PAGE QUICK IT'S ALMOST OVER LAD

Page 43-44

Zeiss:
Zeiss: SHOCK
Zeiss: ewww he wants her to keep his "spot" warm
Mafi: That is the worst feeling, a warm seat from some one's ass.
Mafi: Chris' head cracked in half and his heart shattered.
Zeiss:
Mafi: Worst of all, his spot got cold.
Zeiss: DESPITE THE EFFORTS OF ROSECHU
Mafi: Zeiss, please pardon me for a moment...
Mafi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Zeiss: Rosechu: KICK THAT BITCH TO THE CURB
Zeiss: Last one?
Mafi: Thank god.

Page 45-46

Mafi: arg tiny font
Zeiss: arg Comic Sans
Mafi: tl;dr: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Zeiss: AND MISPLACED VIDEO GAME METAPHORS
Mafi: ...HE GRADUATED WITH HONOR ROLL
Mafi: oh wait I forgot, he lives in the south, lol
Zeiss: Well yeah. Can you see him getting invited to any crazy teen drug parties?
Mafi: Thank god this comic is free.
Mafi: But the premium Sonichu comic is some good shit.
Mafi: "Zappin Fun!"
Zeiss: WE NOW BRING YOU ONE MAN'S REACTION ON HEARING ALL THIS TALK OF THE WORD "ZAP":
Zeiss:

Mafi: It's over.
Mafi: How do you feel?
Zeiss: Uh....pardon me for a moment.
Zeiss: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Zeiss: And I think I got hydrocephaly from this, too.
Mafi: ,xc mc,jkfdaw489nfa
Mafi: Sorry about that, my head swelled up to the size of a melon and I fell head first on my keyboard
Zeiss: Maybe...he planned this?
Zeiss:
Mafi: ...I'm scared, Zeiss.
Zeiss: We should all be scared. He's on a Love Quest, and he won't stop until everyone is SHOCK
Mafi: Or until we all have vaginas on our stomachs.
Mafi: ...MY GOD
Zeiss: Though I do already miss Robotnik...

We must findses a boyfriend-free girl, mustn't we, precious?

ISSUE 3: STOP. HAMMER TIME

Page

Mae Bedlam: This cover is pretty gangsta
Mae Bedlam: It's downright cinematic, look at the floating Sonichu heads
Mafi: Floating heads and Sonic: As gangsta as you can get
Mae Bedlam: Atrophied arms REPRESENT
Mae Bedlam: ...are there equations in those hieroglyphics?
Mafi: Math, floating heads, and Sonic: This guy is a fucking pimp
Mafi: This girl is totally failing at the Thriller dance
Mae Bedlam: I'm sorry, but those aren't very good Power Gloves

Page

Mafi: ...ANCHUENT?
Mafi: REALLY?
Mafi: ANCHUENT?
Mae Bedlam: That sounds like a rejected Warcraft race
Mae Bedlam: Like the Sonichu tadpole in the title page
Mae Bedlam: I see an old lady puking gray ramen.
Mafi: I thought it was a cavernous robot vagina.
Mafi: Freud alert!
Mae Bedlam: It's the Alaskan bull worm hiding in a graveyard
Mae Bedlam: (8)It did brass rubbings, it knew it never had to press hard(

Page

Mafi: EXPOSITION
Mae Bedlam: SONICHU ARE YOU SURE YOU WEREN'T JUST TALKING TO ANOTHER BUM AT THE CEMETARY
Mae Bedlam: I'm afraid this is more Comic Sans than I can handle.
Mafi: It's a COMIC, Mae.
Mafi: Comic-sans is the only HONEST and TRUE choice
Mae Bedlam: Oh, silly me.
Mafi: Look, more addition.
Mae Bedlam: Pikachu + Afro = Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot
Mafi: That guy's hair is a bird, your argument is invalid.
Mae Bedlam: Geez, I think that room has enough ash trays
Mafi: This page is a fucking optical illusion: Sonichu is freakishly huge, Chris is tiny and old man is improbably teeny.
Mafi: Are they are a Mystery Spot or something?

Page

Mafi: "Boy do I feel special."
Mae Bedlam: This is the most confidence he's felt since his mom said he was handsome.
Mafi: If by special, you mean autistic, then yes.
Mafi: IA IA CHRIS FTAGN
Mae Bedlam: "Ancient powers"? I'm sorry, Chris, I think you mean ANCHUENT powers.
Mafi: Nice hat.
Mafi: Oh god the hat looks like Pikachu ears fuck
Mae Bedlam: I guess Ozymandias didn't get that bail-out.
Mafi: Do you seriously think I would explain my ANCHUENT PROPHESY to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect THE EVIL? I did it 35 minutes ago.
Mafi: I have no idea how to read this page.
Mae Bedlam: It's fun to read one vertical half at a time and just imagine Chris talking to himself

Page

Mae Bedlam: I feel like I should be listening to this song when I read this page: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_ALElMLpRA
Mae Bedlam: CHEER ACTION EVOLUTION
Mafi: I was thinking this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6_RZhh44NY
Mafi: FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLIGHT~
Mae Bedlam: Nah man, you need the REAL transformation music for that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqGy9rcUkN8
Mafi: WHERE ARE MY SHIRTSLEEVES
Mafi: ALSO I'M A FURRY WHAT THE FUCK
Mae Bedlam: A TAIL? A RETRACTIBLE PENIS? A COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT?
Mafi: MICKEY MOUSE GLOVES?
Mae Bedlam: Sonichu sure looks excited for being freaked out.
Mafi: I'M PRETTY MUCH FREAKED OUT BY THIS.
Mafi: AND BY FREAKED OUT I MEAN AROUSED
Mae Bedlam: Chris seems to have assimilated. He and Sonichu have the exact same facial expression.
Mafi: This is the fate of all Sonichus
Mae Bedlam: I am just tingling with anticipation.
Mae Bedlam: LET'S ZAP OUTTA HERE

Page

Mae Bedlam: Hammer time!
Mafi: GIANT STRIPED PANTS DESCEND UPON INNOCENT HOUSEHOLDS
Mae Bedlam: Dear God is this Yellow Submarine?
Mafi: I like how Chris only knows the age of the woman he's been stalking for many years. Really adds to the whole creepy vibe.
Mae Bedlam: And the house and room are slightly more detailed.
Mafi: Chris uses Axe. If this isn't enough to drive you away from using it/dating someone who uses it, I don't know what will.
Mae Bedlam: Worse still, he seems to encourage this as a substitute for BATHING.
Mafi: But it'll get women to orbit his belt!
Mafi: Wait, what.
Mae Bedlam: I think that's just from the gravity of his massive girth.
Mafi: AFTER USING AXE BODY SPRAY, I FELT SCENTALLY (?!) DELICIOUS AND CONFIDENT
Mafi: ALSO MY FEET SWELLED UP AND MY LUNGS FILLED WITH FLUID CAUSING MY CHEST TO EXPAND GROTESQUELY
Mae Bedlam: ALSO MY SONICHU MEDALLION LOOKS LIKE A BOWTIE

Page

Mae Bedlam: Chris is making some bold typographic experiments here.
Mae Bedlam: The letters in CHAOS look kind of like orange Chia pets.
Mafi: This is pretty much where this comic stops being about Sonichu in all but name.
Mae Bedlam: I'll say. He's got the balls to introduce the Aztec pope, of all people.
Mafi: I was thinking he was a candy corn wizard.
Mae Bedlam: He's the Grand Wizard of the Kandy Korn Klan.
Mafi: Khaos!
Mafi: See, I was right, Wes just turned into a pumpkin.
Mafi: It must be midnight.
Mae Bedlam: TIME FOR THAT MUSIC AGAIN http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqGy9rcUkN8
Mae Bedlam: I like how he turns into a white ninja in the second panel.

Page

Mae Bedlam: LET THE TRAINING BEGIN http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmGgQ8fvIP8 Nest.
Mae Bedlam: Blond Cherokees what.
Mafi: Everything Chris knows about Native Americans he learned from Pocahontas.
Mafi: And Halloween.
Mae Bedlam: And anime, which only has white people who occasionally tan.
Mafi: *lightening bracelets* is now a sound effect
Mae Bedlam: Cool floaties there.
Mae Bedlam: That's right up there with Gonterman's *DRAMATIC ENTRANCE!*
Mae Bedlam: Read in Strong Bad's voice.
Mafi: Every time Sonichu winks at me a part of me dies.
Mae Bedlam: *SMOOCH* That might have just killed my soul.
Mae Bedlam: *LIGHTNING BOW* *WITH MY SPEAR AND MAGIC HELMENT*

Page

Mae Bedlam: *MAP SCOPE*
Mae Bedlam: Giovanni's base is east over by some broccoli. And a manure pile.
Mafi: You mean ROUGH TERRAIN
Mafi: THE TERRAIN IS SO IMPORTANT IT MUST BE POINTED OUT TO US
Mae Bedlam: DERP FACE IN PANEL TWO
Mafi: Thanks for helping me learn how to make one of my eyes lazy, Sonichu!
Mafi: Chris reverts back to his normal self when he is touched by men.
Mafi: Freud alert!
Mae Bedlam: And now he's toking his fingers.
Mae Bedlam: Touch your cheeeeeeeeest
Mafi: The sorting hat is telling Wes to kill people.
Mae Bedlam: Clearly. It's levitating, even!
Mafi: Fire blast= starfish

Page

Mafi: INCOMING STARFISH
Mae Bedlam: BUT DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU INVINCIBLE AND FLASHY
Mafi: Oh god page 17.
Mafi: DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY
Mafi: 72 HOURS REMAIN
Mae Bedlam: SONICHU'S LEGS
Mafi: What the fuck is Sonichu even talking about?
Mafi: He looks like Pikaman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgzDPDxrtto
Mae Bedlam: OH GOD
Mae Bedlam: THE SLENDER PIKA
Mafi: HE'S COMING TO STARE AT YOU

Page

Mae Bedlam: Now, onto Chris's cubism period.
Mae Bedlam: Let's see where his nose and mouth shift next!
Mafi: The first 5 panels= "Who's shit is that?"
Mafi: Those arms...
Mafi: "Wasabi clan"
Mafi: I just.
Mafi: Ugh.
Mae Bedlam: I almost thought he stole that from Sinfest.
Mae Bedlam: SEE HE'S ONLY JEALOUS CUZ HE CAAAARES
Mafi: Page 19: The effects of gravity on Chris' face.
Mae Bedlam: He never has the exact same expression twice. John K would be proud.
Mae Bedlam: ...TRAIL OF TEARS WHAT
Mafi: I JUST SAW THAT.
Mafi: I don't know about you, but I'm weeping a trail of tears just from reading this.
Mafi: No, wait. This is blood.

Page

Mafi: what the christ
Mafi: Did Chris just bring Yu-Gi-Oh into his fantasy world for no reason?
Mae Bedlam: I think he's into Magic, which Yu-Gi-Oh partly rips off anyway. Or they all blend together anyway in the end.
Mafi: Magic Cylinder: Dildo.
Mae Bedlam: That is the worst Mario Kart power-up ever.
Mafi: HE WAS JEALOUS FOR ME AND SULKED MOODILY WHEN I DATED SOMEONE I ACTUALLY WAS INTERESTED IN?
Mafi: THAT'S SO SWEET.
Mae Bedlam: Hey, at least he knows his fire safety.

Page

Mafi: CURSE-YE-HA-ME-HA!
Mae Bedlam: (MISSED)
Mae Bedlam: WAY TO GO THERE
Mafi: She's going to play him a song on her tiny bow.
Mafi: With her tiny arms.
Mae Bedlam: The world's tiniest lightning bow.
Mae Bedlam: Sacred tree... Prophecy... Hero born of a virgin... CHRIIIIIIIIS
Mafi: Jesus christ, the face in the clouds
Mafi: NIGHTMARES
Mae Bedlam: REACTION PIC
Mafi: CLOUD WOMAN, YOU HAVE SHOWN GREAT POTENTIAL AS A REACTION FACE
Mafi: WELCOME TO THE REACTION CORP
Mae Bedlam: Is that a ghostly Usagi?
Mafi: Wes is asking an awfully deep and philosophical question in page 23
Mafi: Or maybe it's just a shitty joke.
Mae Bedlam: It could be a reference to St. Sebastion, but Chris probably doesn't know about religious icons outside of the isoteric references made in Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
Mafi: Where did Sonichu even go.
Mafi: Oh forget it.

Page

Mafi: Okay turning the ARRRRRRRG
Mae Bedlam: THERE HE IS
Mafi: SUCH A TINY GLASS
Mafi: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO TINY
Mae Bedlam: MILK FOR THE WORKING MAN WITH SHRIVELLED ARMS
Mafi: Wish fullfilment alert.
Mae Bedlam: (8)Oh, oh I do not hook up(

Page

Mafi: ...Arms...do not work that way.
Mae Bedlam: This is some deep shit going on here. Like, Evangelion deep.
Mafi: Chris is picking at a wedgie.
Mafi: DEEEEEP
Mafi: "OW! I HURT IN THREE PLACES!"
Mafi: His chest, his heart and his butt.
Mae Bedlam: ALL THREE LEGS
Mae Bedlam: Sarahmah seems to have put on those freakish Alexander McQueen hoof heels between panels
Mafi: I just realized the only thing covering her hedgehog breasts is her 80's jean jacket.
Mafi: brb puking
Mae Bedlam: NEXT PAGE?
Mafi: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE IN THE STONE AGE

Page

Mafi: Suddenly Sonichu out of fucking nowhere.
Mae Bedlam: Kilroy was Sonichu in Panel 3
Mafi: WE WERE AT THE BEACH
Mafi: EVERYONE HAD MATCHING TOWELS
Mafi: SOMEBODY WENT UNDER A DOCK
Mafi: AND THERE THEY SAW A ROCK
Mae Bedlam: BUT IT WASN'T A ROCK
Mae Bedlam: IT WAS A ROCK
Mae Bedlam: MONSTER.
Mafi: Bottom of page 28: Balls are touching
Mae Bedlam: The gravity affects the shape of Sarahmah's skull when she flies
Mae Bedlam: They all seem to have two noses each.
Mafi: THE BETTER TO SMELL YOU WITH, MY DEAR.
Mae Bedlam: THE BETTER TO SMELL SCENTALLY DELICIOUS

Page

Mae Bedlam: I'm getting Felix the Cat flashbacks here for some reason.
Mafi: There is only one male in the entire city of CWCville and he's frustrated.
Mafi: Consider that.
Mafi: Mary Lee Walsh:
Mae Bedlam: The golem looks like a mecha pharoah.
Mae Bedlam: Or a samurai.
Mafi: Mecha Pharaoh samurai?
Mae Bedlam: Also digging Mary's yarmulke with cat ears.
Mafi: For the kosher furry
Mae Bedlam: It would suck to be pig there.
Mafi: Ah ha ha panel 6 on page 31
Mafi: MY HEART WAS PREVIOUSLY SHATTERED AND I'M NOT COMPLAINING
Mae Bedlam: I JUST MADE SOME VERY STRONGLY WORDED RANTS ON YOUTUBE BUT I'VE MOVED ON
Mafi: Rosechu you sit on the sidelines and be useless because you are a woman.
Mafi: 5 STAR RANTS I DIDN'T MAKE FOR THE LIKES OF YOU
Mae Bedlam: I DO THE BEST DEMONA IMPRESSION EVER FUCK YOU HATERS ...why did I only just now realize that Sonichu and Rosechu have the same dad. ARGH
Mafi: SUDDENLY ALL THEIR DEFORMITIES MAKE SENSE

Page

Mae Bedlam: BARREL CHESTS
Mafi: He's trying to kill the golem by offering him a giant blunt
Mafi: And then they turned into super balls and bounced off him.
Mafi: And then my acid trip turned bad and I woke up covered in animal blood
Mae Bedlam: And then Mary Lee Walsh's yarmulke caught fire.
Mafi: Count Graduon isn't as delicious as his chocolaty counterpart.
Mae Bedlam: Count Graduon sounds like the Duke of Zill in my head.

Page

Mafi: "No use chasing them even though we're as fast as Sonic the goddamn Hedgehog"
Mafi: LOGIC
Mafi: Sonichu and Rosechu are having a "who can be more of a useless fuck" contest.
Mafi: Oh god Sarah's boobs
Mae Bedlam: That cab totally looks safe.
Mafi: BEEP BEEP
Mafi: Later, in Christian's room...
Mafi: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mae Bedlam: OH NO
Mae Bedlam: So is this comic any more relevant today than it was on May 3, 2005?
Mafi: You mean is Chris still a lonely, fat, unlikeable ass?
Mafi: Yes.
Mae Bedlam: EVEN HIS FANTASY ALTER EGO CAN'T GET THE GIRL IN THE END
Mae Bedlam: HE CAN'T EVEN DO WISH FULFILLMENT RIGHT
Mafi: DO'H
Mafi: reactionface.jpg
Mae Bedlam: Oh god those teeth.
Mae Bedlam: For some reason I imagine this ending with all the Sonichus laughing after the D'OH like in every '80s cartoon ever.
Mafi: GEE, FATHER, LOOKS LIKE YOUR FUR ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S BLUE.
Mafi: And then everyone laughs
Mae Bedlam: (8)Soni soni soni soniCHU! HOOOOOOOO( *CREDITS*

Page

Mafi: It's a shrine to creepy obsessions.
Mae Bedlam: HIDE AND SEED. Chris's euphemism for date rape.
Mafi: FREUD ALERT!
Mafi: One last sub episode.
Mafi: In which they confront a witch
Mae Bedlam: Uh-uh, you mean coMfront.
Mae Bedlam: Nice type heirarchy there.
Mafi: "SHE SHATTERED MY HEART, HURT MY SOUL AND COCKBLOCKED ME"
Mae Bedlam: I'm reading, "I got a bad report card, I scattered some rose petals around, and then I shot an angel" in those thought bubbles.
Mafi: You are trying to interpret messages from Chris-chan's drawings.
Mafi: This is a futile effort.
Mae Bedlam: I thought it was another one of his handy equations.

Page

Mae Bedlam: MEANWHILE, IN THE LEGION OF DOOM
Mae Bedlam: CHRIS BUTCHERS SHAKESPEARE
Mafi: AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A RHYMING METER IS
Mafi: WHO DARES TO BRING SONICHU INTO MY LAIR
Mae Bedlam: AND SPLATTERS INK ON WINDOWS
Mafi: RRRAARRRLLL
Mae Bedlam: I totally read that as "NEAGATIVE FLATULENCE"
Mafi: I think I prefer it that way.
Mafi: Oh god, remember when we were joking about Chris-chan and Sailor Moon?
Mafi: Now he's actually striking the pose.
Mae Bedlam: Oh crap, he is.
Mafi: Her dark magic is a steering wheel
Mafi: Sure is circular on page s-3

Page

Mae Bedlam: "Hey, Mary, wanna smell my fan? I SPRAYED IT WITH THE ORION SCENT."
Mafi: Mary-Lee Walsh just took him out with her boner!
Mae Bedlam: UH-OH SHE FOUND HIS G-SPOT
Mafi: BAD TOUCH

Page

Mafi: Sonichu: Still useless
Mafi: I WAS DOWN BUT NOW I'M UP
Mafi: Master of the obvious
Mae Bedlam: YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN
Mae Bedlam: I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN
Mafi: His curse-ye-ha-me-ha comes from his dick
Mafi: Sad now.
Mae Bedlam: PIKAMAN IS BACK D:
Mafi: PIKAMAN NEVER LEAVES
Mae Bedlam: I WANT TO GET AWAY

Page

Mafi: ...Why did she just stand there
Mae Bedlam: She was distracted by her bloated Popeye arm.
Mae Bedlam: And they couldn't decide if they wanted to high five or sieg heil.
Mafi: I'm just glad it's over.
Mae Bedlam: And there's one of my favorite Sonichu drawings ever.
Mafi: That picture is the comic equivalent of shoving a fork into your eye.
Mafi: And weirdly enough, Sonichu looks slightly more normal than usual
Mafi: So how did you feel about that Mae.
Mae Bedlam: *LIGHTENING BRACELETS*
Mafi: That bad, huh.
Mae Bedlam: I feel like I've been freed from the non-sacred tree.
Mafi: Let's just high five/sieg heil and get the hell out of here.
Mafi: *FOR THE FUHER!*
Mae Bedlam: *ZAP FOR THE NATION*
Mafi: JAWOL.
Mafi: The end?

What is this I don't even

And now, a quote gallery.

Chris-chan on Asperger's wrote:

I have not only Helped cultivate the First Generation of Autistic People, but I have gone beyond the Autistic Dreams academically, communicatively and socially. Still, I have trouble maintaining Eye-Contact, my mentality is sometimes slow yet quick at other times. The people who first evaluated me ever even stated that I would never even make it to High School, much less even Write His Name. Take That and Smoke It, oldest doctors. I have worked very hard to achieve and maintain Honor Roll throughout Middle and High School, and even to make the PVCC Dean's List, and fulfill my parents' wishes to work for and earn the Degree and Certificate for Computer Aided Drafting and Design. And those with Aspergers DARE try to take the Shine and Limelight AWAY from us Autistic people, not only with their "Social Flaws" and such possibly similar traits to Autism. But to SHUN us Autistics by being BETTER Communicatively and Mentally than us. I have received a message from one who DARED called me "Normal" in comparison to him. IF ANYTHING, the Asperger people ARE and HAVE BEEN NORMAL. They think they can one-up, or even match, autism with the Lack of Social Capability and their Clumsiness and such. THOSE Characteristics can be FAKED by them who are MOST NORMAL compared to us TRUE AUTISTIC PEOPLE. Even their Title is flawed, "Aspergers"; it can be misconstrued into a Most Terrible Cut of Meat from any Animal; even something that can be picked nasally. I have fought Long and Hard to make a Stand for the Autistic People; I will most certainly NOT let these impostors Steal the True Original Title of Autistic from any of us. VICTORY OVER AUTISM BELONGS ONLY TO US TRUE AUTISTIC PEOPLE. --ChrisChanSonichu 04:16, 5 December 2009 (CET)

Chris-chan on Down's Syndrome wrote:

I DO NOT CARE to go to such "Special Places", especially if they have physically deformed individuals who can not say any legible words beyond "Uhhhhh..."; they are as creepy as zombies.

Chris-chan on Homosexuals wrote:

Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation.

Chris-chan on Women wrote:

HAVE A GOD DAMN HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT YOU READ THIS MESSAGE, YOU GOD DAMN BITCHING WHORE!

Chris-chan on Animals wrote:

I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.

Chris-chan on God and the Bear wrote:

...SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME A REAL NAME THAT have God has been given to me and the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989, YOU DAMN MOCKING BASTARD!

Y'know, just in case anyone was still feeling some sort of residual guilt about mocking the guy.

His mailbags have been magnificent. We're getting a good insight into the mad mind of Chris-chan.

He also "wrote himself out of the comic".

Let's see how long that lasts.

I am just going to add that I read 'Orion' as 'onion'.

So, you spray some onion scent on yourself and girls (or possibly pink hedgehog-rats) will drool all over you. Because they want to eat you. With their chinas.

I'm sorry to doublepost guys, but he just put up a new page, and we're gonna have to declare a RED FUCKING ALERT.

Because as of December 9 2009 - a date which shall live in infamy - Chris-Chan's comic counterpart is no longer a VIRGIN WITH RAGE.

The latest comic page announced that he has, in fact, DID THE DO.

Spoiler:
	HE TRAVELED TO THE FUTURE AND RAPED HIS WIFE. AND IT WAS AWESOME! :headshot:

Shit's staying on my hard drive in case he changes it.

EDIT: Uploaded to photobucket. In case there's a troll backlash and he tries to cover it up.

Spoiler:

HER NAME IS LOVELY WEATHER

...WHAT

edit: Christ he ripped off Monty Python, brb suicide

oh god the hands and fingers are so deformed

I only draw little stubby cartoon dog fingers and they look better than those