I bet she probably only hath telephone and television.

Anyway, how will Enoby react to Draco dying from something he can't die from?

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c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111

It will be.

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“NO!” I screamed.

Deafening everyone in a ten mile radius.

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B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off

What a charming person.

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Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Dumbledore doesn't swing that way. And even if he did, he wouldn't fancy you.

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I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes

Wait, your wrists got all over your clothes? "I chopped my hands off" would be more accurate.

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I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

Must be a tough steak.

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I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it.

I could.

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Then I looked out the window and screamed…

A Sue-detecting missile was homing in!

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Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

Oh dear god. Snape is a paedo? And Lupin chews pervertedly?

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“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!”

Seeing as she was dressed, they weren't looking at her naked. And as the age of consent is 16 in the UK, the answer to that is "what".

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“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

His...womb?

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I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

What a lousy shot.

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Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has -

Led an army of preps into Hogwarts!

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“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

There is nothing "little" about Hagrid. Also, he's the gamekeeper.

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This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

Wands can't shoot people...

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Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.

He's half-elephant? I don't even want to think about that one...

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I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

Because we've all been there.

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“Because I LOVE HER!”

Next time on My Immortal: Hagrid/Enoby OTP!

Masticating Lupin is my all-time favourite.

That and telekinesis!Voldemint.

Previously on My Immortal:

B'loody Mary: "Evony, I'm so sorry..."
Evony: "Fuck Off!"

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I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

You failed. Spectacularly.

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hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

Kill the Spare!

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

Stop devaluing suicide.

Besides, vampires can't die from slitting their wrists.

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You could only see his red whites.

Red + White = Pink.

So...you could only see his pinks.

Is that another euphemism?

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I stopped. “How did u know?”

Vampire got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

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“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

Wait, didn't he lose his scar? And saw what, exactly? The ending to book 7?

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“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.”

Oh, of course, it's now a gofik scar.

*Headdesk*

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Save me!

Save me from having to appear in this story!

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then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco……………

Was Voldemort involved?

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.Volfemort has him bondage!”

So Voldemort is now using his legilimency telekinesis to send Harry visions of kinky wizard porn.

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Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.

I recommend Ex-Lax.

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Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

Did he put his you-know-what in yours?

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“Fuck off.” I told him.

Oh, that's nice.

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Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

Yes. Yes, it is.

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“Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

*Headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*...

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“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

Answer 1: It's not a what, it's a who

Answer 2: He's the goffik male character who has sex with Enoby.

Answer 3: Volfemort has him bondage.

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“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

No. Just...no.

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dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY YOU MOTHERFUKER!"


So, after she gets dressed...

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I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)

This is the cursed videotape from The Ring.

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He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.

But this isn't a Drampire, it's a Dranobby.

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He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

This will be Hufflepuff's only appearance in this fic. Savour it, people.

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Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

"Ah, Potter, I do believe expulsion is in order." Said Snape, who was covering. "You too, Way."

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“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

You're the one who drops your knickers for every boy who isn't a prep.

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Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. “NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted. “I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….

Haven't we had this already?

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Volfemort has him bondage!”

Which is what Chapter 32 of Goblet of Fire would have been called if Tara had written it.

And here's a pic of Volfemort having someone bondage...

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?fbid=108560105902188&set=a.107093949382137.14739.107093832715482&type=1&theater


Next time on My Immortal: A goffik plan is launched to rescue Draco!

But that means one of the Rice Krispies mascots is a paedo! What would Crackle and Pop say?

Previously on My Immortal:

Volfemort (Laughing evilly): "I hath thou bondage now, Draco!"

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im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard

Stealing is wrong.

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Dumbledore came there. "What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

He still has that headache.

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"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

No, Volfemort has Draco. And he doesn't just have Draco, he has Draco bondage.

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"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway."

A valuable lesson here, kids. If you have sex in the forbidden forest, Dumbledore will abandon you to the mercy of Voldemort. Or one of Voldemort's brothers.

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don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!

No. But then, I don't swing that way. And they wouldn't be attracted to you anyway.

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He took out his wand and did a spell. Then... suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

Honestly, is Hermione Granger the only person who's ever read Hogwarts: A History?

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We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra" It was... Voldemort!

*Presses Islamophobia alarm*

And what the hell is a "croon voice"?



Next time on My Immortal:

Can Enoby and Vampire rescue Draco from the clutches of Voldemort, Volfemort, Voldemprt and Volsemort?

Of course they can. She's a Sue, remember?

You forgot Vloximort.

And Voldemint! He's like the Baldwin brother nobody even knows exists, but he demands your respect!

Allah Kedavra!

I wonder whether you need to hath telekinesis to cast that spell.

When we last left the the gruesome twosome, they were in Voldemort's lair. Can they escape?

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

Excretion? That's not a problem, I just went.

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We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there.

Instead Volcemort was. Voldemort was probably having lunch at Burger King.

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Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

Leaving Wormtail, the fat guy who killed Sir-not-appearing-in-this-trash Cedric, with a clear shot.

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"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail.

I bet she does.

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I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard."

Pass the swear box. At this rate there'll be enough in there to afford a week in Blackpool.

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"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort.

Dying.

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Then... he started coming!

Wait, he was looking at Page 3* during all this?

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He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

Well, If he has a you-know-what I suppose it may make some sense if he ends up giving birth.

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"Its so unfair!" I yielded.

Still, for all her faults, she does obey the Yield sign at Railroad crossings.

Except she's a Sue, so the trains probably stop for her.

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I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

Despite the fact that we have not seen one prep even kissing, let alone engaging in sexual activity.

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"Im good at too many things!

Another classic Sue trait.


Next time on My Immortal: Nothing you haven't seen in this before.

*Page 3 is the third page (obviously) of British tabloid newspaper (or comic, if you prefer) The Sun. It is known for featuring a picture of a topless girl, aged between 18 and 25.

Heehee, viewer excretion. I love that. Also Voldemort speaking in bad faux-Elizabethan.

Chapter 15 folks! And from here on in, the plot gets stranger and stranger...

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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

No, don't!

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He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire.

So as well as a Sue, she's a Drampire fangirl.

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I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters.

She must spend more on clothes in a day than Bill Gates makes in a year.

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I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

That's some pretty strange Biology.

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Then... he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class!

Damn, Hogwarts must be the only school not to give detention for singing in class.

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we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch)

Then why do you compare yourself to her?

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Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

The suspense is killing me. Will the concert go without a hitch? Or will Voldemort disrupt it?


Next time on My Immortal: Voldemort turns out to be Enoby's father.