The dreaded My Immortal can be found here. Whether you believe it's real badfic or a parody, I'd say it deserves to be here.

It's hard to find the best part of this fic to quote, but I think the first sex scene is a good one:

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Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore. And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. “Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

TVTropes. org has a page devoted to it, which provided the best description of it I've ever seen:

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Reading this fanfic is like activating a machine that fires cement blocks at your forehead. Each time you hit the "next chapter" button, the impact nearly knocks you from your seat and threatens to turn your brain into chunky salsa. Yet you keep pushing that button, partly out of the knowledge that (assuming you survive) you can only emerge stronger after this ordeal, partly out of respect for the twisted craftsmanship behind the hideous construct, and partly out of the mistaken belief that the next cement block couldn't possibly hurt as bad as the last one.

How many ellipses are there in this story, Mr. Jackson?

Over Muthafucking 9000!!!

Lolita is the best writer ever.

We should snark this. It would be like translating Hamlet "back" into Klingon, or the Lolcats bible...

These guys do a great reading/snarking of My Immortal.

Tvtropes has a drinking game dedicated to My Immortal.

There is also a comic.

Ohhhh... Hilarity overload. Tara Gillespie deserves a freaking medal.

There is also this.

I have to be honest, I have mad love for "My Immortal". It's one of my go-to fics when I'm in desperate need of silliness. Because sometimes I just want to read about, well, Tom Satan Bombodil and his angsty love for Hedwig in the 1980's.

Part 2 of my Snark.

Here is the second chapter of the Epic "My Immortal". Let's dive in.

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AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

Because ALL Preps hate You. Not because the story sucks or anything. just Preps.

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had

She sleeps in a coffin and actually drinks blood from a bottle? So that's about it for her Vamireness?

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

Blah Blah Blah I Get Dressed.

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My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

Oh Good Her friend is a write in character. Goody

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woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

Doesn't Hogwarts have a uniform?

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OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. "Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. "Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I Just really love staring at him not Him"

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"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. "Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

Whats that? Shitty Plot Device? Yeah Right.

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"Hi." he said. "Hi." I replied flirtily.

The first words of love.

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"Guess what." he said. "What?" I asked. "Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. "Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

WE GET IT YOU'RE GOTHIC!

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"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked. I gasped.

"Ha Just kidding i'm asking someone else"

Here is part 1 http://www.whygodwhy.org/t2667-what-the-hell-are-you-doing-you-motherfukers

I'm not the only one who decided to spork it then. (Although my initial plan was to do Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness)

Chapter 3 (Actually one of the harder chapters to do, as there's very little action and it's mainly filler:

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AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!

It still amazes me that people fed this troll.

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

And then got detention for breaking the dress code.

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I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

And promptly died of blood loss. The end.




No?



Damn it!

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I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

Probably due to losing all that blood.

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I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

Human Blood, now just £1.15 for a 2 litre bottle at Tesco. Every little helps!

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We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz

German engineering can't be that good, can it? And having such a car might suggest he's compensating for something.

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We both smoked cigarettes and drugs

Drugs are bad, m'kay.


So they get to the concert, and are singing, and then Not Draco gets upset when our protagonist says that Joel Madden is hot.

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“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

So if Not Malfoy's at a concert, I'm willing to put money on him running up to the stage and punching a singer who says "This one's for all you ladies".

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After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.

But no autographs or photos.

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Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz,

Only for Draco to be pulled over for drink driving.

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but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Where he fed her to Aragog. The end.


No?


If only...

Money which can be used to buy blood at Tesco.