Dating websites are a lulzmine. Full stop.

Here is a great profile I just read:

Quote:

About Me my best religion is indian. my second religions are pagan religionS and chinese religionS. i am anti jew religion i am anti muslim religion and i am anti christ religion. i am anti police anti military anti parliment and anti mental health . my height not small and not tall i am between same height to most people 5 foot something. i enjoy the sun (yellow) i love the moon (mother,master (gender) i like bronze metal (blonde) i like to think that god in heaven is a massive garden plant with a flower and roots that has both genders the god below the garden plant is the lady person below the lady god are more gods all both gender then the next the third gods are man gods and lady gods then there is space-craft religion I AM ANTI SPACE-CRAFT RELIGION then there is all religions. i love cute animals that are no danger to people, i like garden plants that flower, i love people who never are dangerous to the mind and i love people who never are dangerous to the body. i am not employed and i have never been employed because i was born with severe eczema and i was born with severe asthma. i do not have friends i never have done and i only date the ladies but i never have done date with the ladies. my best future job has always been the same and the job is to listen, read, write and type also to sit down all day most day and not mix with short temper / scary customers. i avoid people mostly men who are never sensible and i stay away from people mostly men who behave like nursery children and junior children and talk like nursery children and junior children do. i always make friends with people mostly the ladies who are intelligent (knowing of the present moment) sensible (not being a bully) the only ladies i want to be friend with is the ones who are feminine (makeup hair longer than her chin short dress tight joggers black tights) and men who are men who are masculine (suit, shaven hair short hair thick but bright clothes) talk of their hobbies (being beautiful / luck in computer game- play) but less of their interests (tele and radio shows / football team and computer game charactors) also i stay away and i tell ugly people to not be my friend apart from accidental moments . i have always wanted to have a girlfriend have friends and have a job. i am desperate to have a girlfriend that i can listen to speak to have fun with more than i worship me and more than i obey me (i am desperate for the ladies to be in charge for every moment whichever however forever always.) my best food is bakery cakes, the chocolate log and the caramel dou-nut. my best sweets are pick and mix from woolworths and rossis shop online . i enjoy takeaways indian mild and medium spiced takeaways (lamb korma, sweet rice, vegetable rice, onion bhaji and samosa.) and most of the chinese takeaways mild and very sweet (american pork spare ribs with egg fry rice and mixed vegetables sweet sour chicken and big springrolls.)

Post your favorite, guys.

Oh wow. You almost get to feeling bad for someone like him but then you hit something like 'ugly people to not be my

friend apart from accidental

moments' and BAM pity is over.

I used to have an OKCupid account but eventually got rid of it because, let's be real, the last thing I need it another device for dudes to not call me back on.

I might re-activate, though, now that I have somewhere to throw the 'worst of' list.

Haha, you guys did a pretty good job picking out the things that struck me as the weirdest at first. He avoids ugly people except for by accident? He is anti-mental health? What does that even mean? A second look found me this bit, however:

Quote:

i am desperate to have a girlfriend that i can listen to speak to have fun with more than i worship me and more than i obey me (i am desperate for the ladies to be in charge for every moment whichever however forever always.)

I cannot figure out what this means. Like, do you want to dom or sub, crazy guy? Just say it with person words.

I tried that plenty of fish. They told me "Actually, there's not quite enough fish."

What does "my first religion is Indian" mean? Does it mean he's a Hindu or does it mean he's one of those idiots who thinks that having a dreamcatcher means he's in touch with his one-eighth Cherokee side?

The rest of his listing may be incomprehensible, but there's not much doubt about what he means by this:

Quote:

religionS. i am anti jew religion

This guy sounds like my schizophrenic uncle, only my uncle's been in relationships and has several kids.

They also crop shit out of their photos on those sites. One girl turned up, she'd cropped out her siamese twin.

Here is a nice, ranty one:

Quote:

About Me This site is bulk sh*twomen Dnt ****ing reply or message might aswel shut this site Down! Seriously people at least reply back…. *i hate it when women view my profile and they dnt even send a message..whats that about?..i mean aint gna byte your head off for pete sake!..send me a message!* *first of all if i am ur match and we can not message eachother for some reason then here is my msn: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] INTRO: First of all if you’re ugly theres a tough chance of finding someone on here and if you’re super fit and a hunk there is still a hard chance of finding someone one here becoz they worried ur either “to good to be true” or “he can get other chicks so he can cheat”..Well how in gods name are we gna find someone on here.Dnt judge the book of its cover,,freeking reply back and get to knw that person! I had few women say i aint interested because you are showing our body off too much and that my body is unvieled but do they know my personality?well hello people i do know that personality is important and tht i was told i had one of best sense of humor. SO WOMEN PLEASE DNT LOOK AT MY PICTURES AND THINK I AM FULL OF MYSELF COZ IN FACT I APPRICIATE WHERE I DAM CAME FROM BEING A 16 STONED FAT KID TO THIS! ABOUT ME: I am not just a body show man, i do have an Accademic side to me as i study ACCA ACCOUNTING DEGREE and nearly finished too. i currently work in an propertys lettings in the treasurey department but is now trying to move on. WHAT I WANT: I am just an ordinary guy who wants people to smile and have a laugh…sometimes i say no strings attached but that doesnt mean i aint potential into relationships.But for now lets all have fun, meet new peeps,keep in touch, look great and feel great about ourselves.i love everyone because we are all from the same people Adam and Eve u get that!. if you wana know more about me then holla at me and if you are really fine then i might just get to know u more init.D:D:D DISLIKE: fake people on this dam site!!!..had so many so please i you are F*****g Fake do not even attend this site cozyou are wasting peoples F****g time!…also why do some women BLOCK MESSAGES?…i mean whats the point on being here?..this is a dating site to meet people and if you can not message them, then how the hell you are gna meet them.:S..anyways i m sick of these people and i hope they realize!

I bolded my favorite parts for you. I particularly like D:D:D because there is no way of knowing if those are happy faces or upset faces.


And here is a guy who really likes big butts:

Quote:

I am LONG, TERM, and SEX W/BBW/SSBBW/FEM!. My Self-Summary HI I AM LOOKING FOR LONG TERM FEMALE SEX PARTNERS! And also ACTIVITY PARTNERS! LIKE BBW OR SSBBW! HI..I am a 6ft 2in SWM AGE 54 who is looking for a lady for STRAGIHT SEXor a KINKY lady WHO also wants STRAIGHT SEX. I do computer repair and networking. Available during the DAY for MARRIED or LADIES in a RELATIONSHIP OR OTHERWISEseeing someone.A+/N+/CCNA/CCNP TRAINED,available for ladies in need of computer help,trades are possible. BA Biology, have worked for community groups. I am a ham radio operator KB3CNV. She should enjoy straight sex,and getting kinky. I would be open to a single lady or 2 bi OR gay ladies that wanted to be enjoyed. LIKE BBW OR SSBBW! I enjoy receiving straight sex,and giving kinky on you. Well if you would like to have stragiht sex, that is fine. The other areas are only if you would enjoy them.(SPANKING,ANAL,GOLDEN SHOWERS IN NO ORDER) Well are you ready to drop your pants or lift your skirt and let me kiss your buns and more? I am….hopefully you will want this daily smile. POLY IS A GREAT THING. LIKE BBW OR SSBBW! What I'm doing with my life I am busy looking for a long term Female Sex Partner Spending to much time looking for females with bare buns, and more. REALLY ENJOY BBW AND SSBBW LADIES WHO WANT IT! I'm really good at Looking for a long term FEMALE SEX PARTNER! Enjoying bare female buns and more. LOOKING FOR A BBW OR SSBBW WHO WANTS IT! The six things I could never do without BARE FEMALE BUNS AND MORE…, MORE FEMALE BARE BUNS…,YUP MORE FEMALE BARE BUNS AND MORE! BBW OR SSBBW BUNS! REALLY ENJOY BBW BUNS. I spend a lot of time thinking about LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM FEMALE SEX PARTNER! Bare female buns and more…. LOOKING FOR A BBW OR SSBBW! On a typical Friday night I am Looking for needy female buns and when I find one enjoying it…smile. LOOKING FOR A BBW OR SSBBW! The most private thing I'm willing to admit here Chuckle like female buns and more….smile. LOOKING FOR BBW OR SSBBW BUNS NEWARK OHIO AREA! You should message me if YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A LONG TERM SEX PARTNER OR ACTIVITY PARTNER! IF you enjoy straight sex and your FEMALE buns being bare, and/ORGETTING kinky with you drop me a note. POLY IS FINE! IF YOU ARE A BBW OR SSBBW WITH BIG BUNS THEN I WILL REALLY ENJOY YOU…SMILE… SERIOUSLY I AM LOOKING FOR BARE FEMALE BUNS,RUMPS, OR BUMS. I REALLY DO ENJOY A GOOD FEMALE BARE BUNS, RUMPS, OR BUMS. STRAIGHT SEX IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.

Color coding by me. I thought the original did not get his love of straight sex female bbw/ssbbw buns across very well so I enhanced it for you.

What's he smokin'? He sounds utterly incoherent in that post.

No, probably not.

You summed that up perfectly, Reep.

Here is a nice pile of TMI for you guys as well:

Quote:

Incidently I have not had sex for more than 2 years and was tested negative for HIV shortly after my last experience A couple years ago I completely eliminated the body odor that onset after puberty by drinking a tad of oxyclean mixed to two gallons of water over a few days. Then I went months without a shower smelling sunshine fresh and verifying such when several of my friends stuck their nose in my pits in disbelief. I stopped wearing deodorant about a decade ago when I read antiperspirant is toxic, causes cancer (breast cancer especially) and self realized holding perspiration in your body is inhibitory to cleaning your insides, your lymph nodes particularly. These days I shower as often as the government is able to poison my food, which is usually about once a week. I’ve been off oxyclean for inner cleaning since that one time I got my pits sunshine fresh.

Quote:

My butt hole is pink. This is due my performing enema twice a week on a sustained basis. There was a time when my butt was more so dingy. My poo is firm yellow and smells like fruit. I attribute this to my excellent intestinal health which is due both my eating vegetarian and cleansing my insides with ozonated olive oil. When it first turned yellow I was worried, so I looked it up and found out that’s the color poo is SUPPOSED to be. I also found out yellow is the color of baby poo because their intestines have yet to be fouled with years of toxins and disease. There’s not much you would have to win my confidence to get out of me. I have a picture of my smooth pink ball sack as the logo for one of my websites (uv4genitals dot org). I recognize the present surveillance state has robbed all of us of any semblance of privacy. You are all free to let big brother peer into your bathroom by thermal imaging satellite.

Is Manfred von Richthoffen a super-villain? I thought he was just a German pilot who flew a red Fokker DR1 and was very good.

As for the post...thin, pretty and virgin is pretty much not going to happen, unless she's a highly devout Catholic, or anti-sex for some other reason (in which case she's not going to have his babies). Or under 16. Too many people set requirements that are mutually exclusive.

Also, saying that you're a virgin is probably not a good idea either, because no girl will want you if they know that.

Well, apparently Morgen is a name too, but I doubt it's used much today.