[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] (Cover and song.)

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] (Actual fic.)

Since people enjoyed the 2005 version, I'd thought I'd spice things up a bit.

Well go figure. Is this legit?

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I’m getting married to my fiancée next year.

Haha, no.

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The Samus character is also not the blonde version from the new age Metroid games, but the classic green haired version from the original NES Metroid. I did not want to have three blondes total because I wanted to spice things up a bit.

Different haircolors = spicing things up. Nice to know the grand sum everything that makes a lady unique is in her hair.

Oh jeez, the original beginning with Joshcube beating up Mother Brain, Bowser, and Ganon has been replaced with an amazingly sexist diatribe about how slutty modern women are:

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The women now days were sluts; gold-diggers; wore pants; smoked cigarettes; dressed like hookers with tight jeans and big breast implants;

Damn those women and their... pants.

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and now I lay here on my bed with my iPod, listening to sad songs while the rain continues to pour.

OK, so this is a parody, right? Some guy re-wrote the classic Joshcube fic for shits and giggles?

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What a sad mistake I made, rejecting all these women that came to me. I feel that they will be gone forever like a rose petal in the wind; a furnace going out; a shooting star in the sky.

Right????

Oh man, I cannot even get past this intro, what even is this?

Oh shit, it is no longer a script-fic. Bitch went full prose.

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“Well, I am an expert at keeping the body fresh and healthy with massages.” Said Samus, tapping dust from her cigarette into the tray.

Yes.

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“Here, I will work your arms. Peach can do something else perhaps.” Said Zelda, beginning to massage my arm.

Yesssssss.

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Since people enjoyed the 2005 version

AHAHAHAHAHA, I can't wait to post this on ED

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The main reason I wrote the story in the first place was for self-pleasure

Really? I don't think anyone would have ever guessed!

It says a LOT about a writer when an English course is required to fix a fic that should never have been written in the first place, and then doesn't bother to address the majority of the errors and issues. This is porn so LAME that Harley wouldn't give it a second glance. So BORING that it wouldn't get even a priest off. It is a diatribe against women who don't want Josh, in an effort to point out TO US how wrong they were.

Well, no, Josh. If what you wrote is what you expect of women, THEY WERE NOT WRONG ABOUT YOU. And as a side note, self-pity and porn do not mix. The mental image I have of you is quite pathetic now.

I'm skimming through the "disclaimer" and it just makes me facepalm and lol. What a prick this guy sounds like.

Shit, I can't get through the blocks of text. Six sentences, at max is what a paragraph's length should be. Maybe.

This is great. A confession/suicide note wrought with sexual inexperience and a desire to "take somebody before they take him." Also, I can't help but notice that each girl is some kind of unique sex object, you know, for variety. Kind of like trying to make a decision on which tie he's going to wear for the evening and ultimately deciding on wearing all seven of them. It would look rediculous just as this fic is rediculous.

It's also pretty funny that I'm right now listening to the "Revenge of the Nerds" theme song.

Writes shitty fap fodder because he can't get laid. "Updates" the "story" 7 years later because he still can't get laid; takes the opportunity to pontificate about sluts and bitches and... women wearing pants. Continues to wonder why he can't get laid.

Rinse and repeat.

Some of our best artists are sexually frustrated and angry at women.

I'm...I'm...sex ed. Does no one teach this anymore? Fuck, I know more about sex than I think I need to, and I've never had it. Yes, I did just say that, and I never understood what the big deal is with that anyways. Shit like this makes me giggle though, it's just too good.

I figure it would hurt, mostly if the hymen isn't 'opened' by dong certain stuff. (I hear horseback riding and other shit makes it tear or something.) I mean, it probably isn't as bad as I think it would be, but it probably depends on the size of the dick and how tight the vagina is. We never covered hymens or lube or...mostly sex in general in my sec ed. IU think it was more about hormones and how they change our bodies into wanting sex and how it makes a baby. I know we never talked about hymens, or other varying factors as to what makes sex painful or even about ejaculation or how sex makes you pregnant in the first place.

It was just lol. Thing is, I had a Catholic education so that probably changes shit up a bit.

Not to scare you off, my ex likened her first time to "being split in two". (And no, that's not me boasting about my enormous manhood. I wasn't her first sexual partner).

Enjoy.

^ Yeah that sort of thing is pretty variable. What is less variable is that girls who have been fisted typically do not have much in the way of a hymen left afters :\ (unless anal fisting I guess????)

LOL. The poor, poor hymens. They can never catch a break.

Bleh. I need to focus. 7 page paper due, only 3 pages done. I get too easily distracted.

AHAHAHAHAAA!!

Shit, that was bad. My eyes, it was so bad. I can't stop laughing. Shit.