How does an American change a light bulb?
Holds it under the socket and expects the world to revolve around him.

Despite common misconception, only 45% of Americans are classed as overweight.
The other 55% are obese.

How can you tell if an American is realxing?
His gun's in the cabinet.

How can you tell if an American is crazy?
You can't.

Yo momma's so fat...

she must be American.



The difference between British and Americans

1. Your younger sister is annoying you

British - Tell her to fuck off and go write jokes about sisters on Sickipedia

American - Have sex with her

2. You get hassle at school

British - Grit your teeth and make jokes about minorities on Sickipedia

American - Buy a gun and go on a killing spree in the school

3. Your boss treats you like shit and keeps you working really hard

British - Look for a new job and write jokes about your current boss on Sickipedia

American - Kill everyone at the office

4. You check your bank balance and you have no money

British - Get over it (that's life) write some jokes about Americans on Sickipedia

American - Go on a killing spree in the bank

5. You wanna put a joke on Sickipedia

British - You try your best material and vote up other good jokes

American - Vote every joke down because you're a cunt.


A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS."

"I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer.

"They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this."

The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off."

"SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to top and, without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery."

"Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF."

The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO FUCK YOURSELF, Sir."

The Officer turns around to the American and says, "Now THAT'S fucking bravery."

Three Americans walk into a bar...
Okay, scratch that. Two Americans walk into a bar. The third is too obese to even get through the doorway. He successfully sues the architect and the bartender for 20 million dollars for hurt feelings, then spends his winnings in McDonald's. He later sues McDonald's for selling an obese man cheeseburgers.

An American man moves to the U.K. to find some work. He manages to find a job in a bank.

On his first day, the boss tells him to sweep up the floor.

"Excuse me? I'm from one of the best colleges in the U.S.A.!"

"Oh, I'm so very sorry!" replied the bank manager. "Let me call someone in to show you how to do it."

And...may I present the Ugly Australian? It ain't just Americans, folks!

Someone's just discovered /b/

WOW HOOFBOY I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK THE TIME TO COPYPASTE SHITASS JOKES FROM SOME ED RIPOFF

YOU ARE A COMEDY JEINUS

be sure to take all that capslocking as a sign of rage and disgust when you run to tell your pony porn connoisseurs all about how you're trolllllling us

The only funny joke was the Light Bulb joke.

I don't know why I love light bulb jokes so much.

ITT Clopfucker attempts to remove Australia's exemption from the endgame.

How many midgets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. But that's really all you can fit into a lightbulb in the first place.


I CAN BE OFFENSIVELY FUNNY TOO XERRO

I THINK I HEAR A DINGO STEALING YOUR BABY

ALL THE TEETH

all the better to eat you with

if the stick rots you could try and befriend the dog instead

Pay attention, Hoofboy:

Knorg wrote:

if the stick rots you could try and befriend the dog instead

^this is actually witty.