If you want somepony* to blame for what you're about to see, blame GeorgeUK, he gave me the idea.
*GET USED TO IT.

Cupcakes by Sergeant Sprinkles is one of (if not the) most infamous My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfics to exist, so much so that it has spawned metafanfiction and fanart, some of which is of superior quality to the original. What Cupcakes really needs, though, is an episode treatment with Hasbro-grade animation and voices similar to the actual actors. I know that will most likely never happen, but a brony can dream.

Now then... WHO WANTS CUPCAKES?

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WARNING: This fanfiction is incredibly gory, and may ruin your appreciation of a certain My Little Pony character as well as the titular baked goods. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

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The air was warm, the sun was shining, and everypony in Ponyville was having a glorious day.

Except for Cranky Doodle Donkey. You know how he is.

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When Dash walked into the store, she was immediately greeted by her host, who was bouncing in excitement. “Yay, you’re here! I’ve been waiting aaall day,” said the jumping pony.

Aside from foalsitting, looking after Gummy, baking and helping run the shop, Pinkie has absolutely nothing to do apart from wait for Rainbow Dash all day? What a boring, lonely life she must lead. No wonder her special talent involves partying, she's constantly trying to escape the soul-crushing boredom.

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“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time,” Dash apologized.

You considered continuing doing those exercises, too. So much for the Element of Loyalty...

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Pinkie giggled and responded in a gleefully reassuring tone, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes? I’ve been sooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breathe I’ve been so happy.”

See, Pinkie Pie, this is why some ponies think you're on drugs. You're always bouncing around maniacally and talking like someone's pointed a universal remote at you and pressed the fast forward button. What DO you put in those cupcakes of yours? Oh, wait...

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Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She had always appreciated Pinkie Pie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but Pinkie’s overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out.

Pinkie's excited. She's REALLY REALLY excited. Foreshadowing much?

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Dash psyched herself up. “You betcha, Pinkie. So what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you’ve got some stunts you think I should try? Or perhaps…” “MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced. “Baking?” Dash was disappointed. “Pinkie, you know I’m not good at baking. Remember last time?”

I remember an overtired Applejack putting at least a dozen ponies in the ER, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders wreaking havoc in the kitchen, but I've never seen Rainbow Dash bake. RD is pretty full of herself though, so when Dash says she sucks at something, you'd better believe it.

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Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake. Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.” “You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here. “So, is this like taste testing or something?” “Sorta,” Pinkie said.

Mmmmm. What pony could turn down free treats, right? Right?

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Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.

No, Rainbow Dash, you're supposed to be masticating, like a cow. MAS-TI-CATING. Helloooo, anypony home?

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“Ok, now what?” Dash asked. “Now,” Pinkie informed her, “You take a nap.”

[portalturret]Naptime. Shutting down. I don't hate you.[/portalturret]

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Puzzled, Dash opened her mouth but felt instantly lightheaded. A wave of dizziness washed over her, the world spun, and seconds later she collapsed to the floor.

And then Pinkie had her way with Rainbow and Lyra and Bon-Bon showed up to watch and clop.

PLEASE SAY THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

Please?

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When Dash regained consciousness, she found herself in a dark room. She tried to shake her head but found that a taut leather strap held it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but braces around her chest and limbs glued her to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread her legs wide apart. Dash’s wings were the only part of her not tied down, and they fluttered frantically while she struggled to escape. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped suddenly into her line of sight.

There's no cake, but there's plenty of DELICIOUS RAEP to be had, right?

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“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said urgently. “Well duh, that’s because you’re tied down,” chided Pinkie. “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you’d need to be told that.”

Silly Pinkie, Dashie is an athlete, and everypony knows athletes are DUMB.

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“Special ingredient?” Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient?” Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly!”

DUN DUN DUNNNN

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Dash’s eyes widened, and her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh and said, in a voice bordering on hysteria, “Woo, you really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made into a cupcake? I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.”

That's the spirit, Rainbow Dash! Maybe if you clap your hooves together and make a wish, it'll actually become true! Oh, right, YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR FORELEGS.

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Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.” “Then why were you laughing?” Before Dash could answer, Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. On the cart was a tray containing various sharp medical tools and knives, carefully organized and wickedly sharp, as well as a large medical bag. Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind raced as she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!”

It's all fun and games until someone gets eviscerated.

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“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out,” Dash cried in desperation.

RD really is quite full of herself. No wonder the Mysterious Mare Do Well had to be invented: to keep a certain pegasus's ego in check.

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“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules. We can’t turn back now.”

Yeah, Dash, you get your ticket, you have to wait in line like everypony else.

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“Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs,” Pinkie mimicked.

Sorry, but this is where I have to call bullshit. Unless Pinkie can assemble a netgun out of spare parts and weave a net tough enough to hold a griffon, I just don't see that happening unless Twilight or Zecora was involved.

Wait.

Did Zecora supply the drugs?

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It’s too bad she had such a meanie mouth. She said so much bad stuff I just had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Rainbow Dash.”

Yeah, but some folks just get kind of ornery when you're carving them up alive, pony or otherwise.

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Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it.

No flair? Good grief, I thought Pinkie was supposed to be a gourmet patisserie chef?

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Placing the ragged patches of skin down, Pinkie selected a large butcher knife and walked behind the blue pegasus. “Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now,” Pinkie laughed.

WORST. PUN. EVER. Even worse than the one involving Spike and punch.

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“Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing,” scolded Pinkie as her friend howled.

Sure, they're grievous wounds, but damn it, they've got to be even! This is Cupcakes, not Silence of the Lambs!

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“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”

I think it's the same logic behind pineapples. It's not meant to make sense.

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She watched numbly as her wing flew over her head and landed with a fluff on the table.

And she spent all morning cleaning and straightening those feathers! Do you know how hard it is to keep feathered wings neat and tidy when you don't have a beak to comb the vanes with? Especially when you have the magical ability to break the sound barrier, that can really, er... ruffle your feathers.

That was bad and I feel bad.

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“Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would you like it if I came over to your house and went to sleep? ‘Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re so boring I think I’ll take a nap.’ You think I like always doing this by myself? I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough. I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you! Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?”

Hey, come on, Dash is being tortured to death! Cut her a break, can't you?

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“What?” Pinkie asked. “Oh, this?” She held up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself to a small sample. I got it from your leg; you’re not bad. Wanna try some?” Without waiting for a response, Pinkie shoved the strip of meat into the revolted pegasus pony’s mouth. Dash gagged, and immediately spit it out. Pinkie frowned, and picked up the chunk of flesh. “If you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She contemplated the discarded snotty morsel, then gulped it up. “It’s not like you haven’t had my cupcakes before.”

SWEET CELESTIA SHE'S A DRUG ADDICT AND A CANNIBAL
FLY LIKE THE WIND RAINBOW DASH - oh, sorry, I forgot, you're still tied down.

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“This is a little something to take the pain away,” Pinkie informed Dash as she walked around to her victim’s ruined back.

Oh, geez, couldn't you have given her some anaesthetic before you started cutting her up? You're not a very good friend, Pinkie Pie. I know you're the Element of Laughter, but this is ridiculous and totally not funny.

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Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie?” she choked out. “Yeah?” “I want to go home,” Dash sobbed. “Yeah, I can see wanting to do that,” replied the party pony. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, just say ‘I’m done with this mess’ and go to bed. But you know what? You can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.”

What's the use in giving somepony advice like that if they're minutes from dying anyway?

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“Looks like I got my ‘I’ on you, Dash,” Pinkie giggled.

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“Look at me, I’m Rarity!” Pinkie laughed, slinging the intestinal tube around her neck and spraying blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty?” Reaching back inside, she sliced the smaller intestine off from the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed the slimy organ through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”

I hope she brushes thoroughly before kissing Gummy or the foals.

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“Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” Pinkie started pulling out the rest of Dash’s organs, pausing with each removal. “I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”

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As she looked, Pinkie cocked her head. She began to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t much damage to the corpse. “It fact,” the pink pony mused, “I think….” An idea exploded in her head. She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do was put them back together. Yeah, she just had to get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have Rainbow Dash forever. In fact, thought Pinkie, that’s what she’d do for all her best friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped right over to the body with her skinner to get started. The cupcakes could wait; Pinkie Pie had a friend to make.

Pinkie Pie is soooo good at making friends! But nopony seems to last for very long once they become her bestest bestest friend...


Well, that's my treatment of Cupcakes. Feels good for some reason, now that I've done it.

piss in my mouth

turn me into a literal human fountain of urine

Dear Gods...

It's "Agony In Pinky-Pie"...

And you're homophobic too! No I don't care to read your ongoing saga of shot lording you douchewaffle. It's fucking boring. And whatever, wow way to be an insult to Down syndrome kids and go play in the street you boring shitstain. I don't give a flying, shutting pony fuck about what is going on either because

That raging boner of awesome is all in yr motherfucking empty skull babe

You don't understand. Gay slurs are ok because they don't refer to homosexuals anymore. South Park said it so it must be true.

What I figured you were being sarcastic what with the rollyeyes

but oh yeah right southpark is the fucking bible man

Yeah man, what other show confirms all of my preconceived angsty white geek boy biases every episode?

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What I figured you were being sarcastic what with the rollyeyes

I am.

But that's the only channel.

I want the last word.

edit because now my post count is a comfortable even number

Maybe George Washington nut all over yr post count

please

get fucked by a horde of moths

imagine their tiny little cocks squirming and writhing against yr skin as they pile on you in a swarm of fluffy wings and sexual frustration

i hope you wake in the night and still feel them fluttering against yr eyes as the attempt to fertilize yr tear ducts

If anyone else posted about Cupcakes, this thread would've looked so much better. It IS a legitimately awful fanfic.

hey hey hey

get out of my shed