It's been a while since I snarked a fic. Since I'm currently reading the Dresden Files at the moment, I thought this would be a good place to start. I mean, it's not that popular... right? The fics can't be that bad...right?

Well, I found this: Demi Darkness. I haven't read the whole thing (there are 9 chapters), but almost from the first sentence, it gives the lulz.

Right away, it puts Wizard Harry Dresden in mortal danger! Well, in peril! Well, ok, moderately inconvenienced.

Quote:

She was young, seventeen tops, if I was a good judge of , maybe not all that young, but she was by my standards. At that age, she shouldn't have had that much power. Hell, at that age, she shouldn't have had any. Yet, here she was, holding me in a figure of High Magic.

I hope it wasn't a dancing hula girl. I hate being captured in hula girl figures of High Magic!

Harry spends a paragraph then summing up his situation for us after the girl asks him if her circle is good enough. He sort of whines about it, but that's not terribly uncommon for Harry, especially in the older books, at least so far. She then asks for help!

Quote:

"Mr Dresden." she sighed, "I apologize for this. I knew of no other way to reach you though." "I have an office. I have a phone. I'm in the phone book," I told her dryly. "I couldn't risk anyone finding out about this meeting," she explained.

Because a phone call is more showy than drawing a circle, putting enough magical power in a circle to capture a wizard, spending time and magical energy or resources learning his true name, and then summoning him. Got it!

Quote:

"Don't you think that might be a little difficult? You coerced me into coming here and broke the Fourth Law of Magic in doing so. The While Council-" I shut my mouth before I coul dig myself into an even deeper hole. I had just told a possibly rouge magic user about the White Council. I sighed. Things were not looking good.

Harry, no! Don't tell a magic user made up with mommy's make up about the White Council! They might enforce a curfew or put her into time out! Seriously, a rouge magic user? Also, the term here would be sorceress if she's not a wizard. But he's only the lead character... no way he'd know that. Pffffft!

So, they basically agree not to hurt each other and she releases the circle, and asks for help. Harry, wise man that he is, says he doesn't even know her name. So she tells him.

Quote:

She nodded. "You're right. I apologize again. My name is Wisteria Harpiai Broadsword."

There's a joke in here about her being a sword broad if she carries a sword, but we don't know that for now. In the meantime, I hope that you will join me for a collective, "Who the FUCK names their kid that?!" Harry, being strangely in character here, wonders the same. BUT! It is NOT her true name! *le gasp!*

Quote:

I felt sorry for her with a name like that. It was a mouthful, make no mistake. I whispered the name, mimicking its exact nuances. But I felt no magic. "Its' fake," I told her. "To you, perhaps. But it is the name that magic knows me by. So, for me, it's more true than my given name." "Which is?" She paused, as if deciding whether or not to tell be. "I'm Yolanda Centura Bloom."

Anyone want to join me for a SECOND round of "Who in the FUCK names their kid that?!" What's wrong with Ann? Or Lucy? Or something nice and simple for once? Also, 'it's the name that magic knows me by'? So, magic is sentient now?

She asks for help from our favorite wizard private eye, and Harry's all like, "Who do you need protecting from?" She says the Red AND White Courts of vampires. Harry's like, "Well, WTF slow down. If I help you..." Oh, let me quote:

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And if the Council learns that I'm helping a rouge wizard-" "I'm not a rouge," she interrupted. "Nor am I a wizard. At least, I don't think I am." Then what the hell are you? Once again, I kept all opinions to myself. And people say I never learn from my mistakes. I heard her say something under her breath, but as to what it was, I had no clue. "Come again?" "I'm a Demi," she said.

She comes from the Clan of Moore to act in classic 80's films. Seriously, wtf is a 'Demi'? Harry asks this question as well, and he's rewarded with an answer:

Quote:

"A Demi what? God? Demon? Angel?" "Vampire." I stopped dead, no longer pacing. I have no shame in admitting that it was the beginnings of being frozen in fear. "A what?" I asked, hoping that I had misheard. "I'm a Demi-vamp, Mr. Dresden." Answer hadn't changed. And things were rapidly getting worser by the second.

Indeed! Things ARE getting worser by the second! We'll add grammatical errors to misspellings and the sheer WTFness of a "demi" vampire! Demi what? If she's bitten by a Red Court vampire but hasn't killed yet, she's a Red Court Initiate, I do believe. Or Infected, depending on how you look at it. If she's a White Court vamp who hasn't killed yet? White Court virgin. There's no "demi" in there. At all. Worser and worser indeed!!

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So, she's a smelly and nasty person who likes to chop people up.

It fits.

Is it as bad as Changes?

Er, probably. It's a few years old, which explains a few of the oh-so-many references. Not really needed in such a short fic.


And written by a Brit. Warms the cockles of your heart, doesn't it? And she's going on to write Bob drabbles. Bless.