Why, God, Why would you use that as lube?

Subject: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:59 am

What it says on the tin. Fanbrats seem to have a poor understanding of the mechanics of sex in general, some of which are more tolerable than others. I can understand trying to make your smut more creative or romantic, but there are ways of doing that other than by using unconventional stuff for lube. Sometimes it just makes me think you're obviously inexperienced, trolling, or failed science class. What are some godawful ones you’ve seen?

--nothing (My personal favorite, because really good sex is supposed to hurt, right?)
--water
--snow (like water, but much fucking colder)
--blood
--beer/vodka (dries up even faster than water)
--peanut butter
--chocolate chip cookie dough (yeesh)

Sporkbender Join date: 2011-07-04 Age: 20

Cake frosting. There are places where sugar should not ever go...

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:18 am

Honey.

...

...

Honey

Yeah...

And This is Why I Need Medication Join date: 2009-06-11

Gun oil. I don't remember what fandom it was (my brain has mercifully blocked it out), but the guy used gun oil. For anal sex.

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:44 am

I would imagine that it'd be alright as long as you weren't rough and didn't use it on a regular basis (ie. 'it's better than nothing, but think about doing something else instead'). Googling it is a little tricky because there's a brand of lube called Gun Oil. Maybe it's a hint.

NO NOT THE BEEEEES Join date: 2009-06-12 Age: 27

Heh, crunchy peanut butter as lube was a joke made on this very board made a very long time ago - by me, no less. Regarding what to use as lube on merit of their delicious taste when it came to an after-sex snack.

Never use anything sugary. It dries up worryingly fast, it's sticky, and then you'll have all the abrasive qualities of sugar on your crotch.

Butter isn't too bad considering all the fat and if you wash afterwards, but regardless you're still better off using REAL lube.

And there are a bunch of things you can use that will, on top of everything else, encourage a yeast infection. Yeast infections aren't the most serious thing in the world and pretty much everybody will get at least one at some point in their lives but you still don't WANT one.

Sporkbender Join date: 2011-08-18

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

And there are a bunch of things you can use that will, on top of everything else, encourage a yeast infection. Yeast infections aren't the most serious thing in the world and pretty much everybody will get at least one at some point in their lives but you still don't WANT one.

So yoghurt would be good then. Strange, unconventional lube + sorts out yeast infection = er...

...What am I thinking?! Shocked

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:48 am

Rabid Badger wrote:

Gun oil. I don't remember what fandom it was (my brain has mercifully blocked it out), but the guy used gun oil. For anal sex.

...Not a Transformers fic, then? Razz

Yeah, I think a good guideline is that if you wouldn't put it in your mouth, don't use it on any of your other mucous membranes. Of course, there are plenty of things that you could put in your mouth that would still be horrific lube choices, but at least as a starting point...

Also, not a fanfic, but someone on my college's forum posted a thread about using hot sauce as lube. Said she wanted to "spice up" her love life.

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Fri Nov 25, 2011 4:05 am

Owlish wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Gun oil. I don't remember what fandom it was (my brain has mercifully blocked it out), but the guy used gun oil. For anal sex.

...Not a Transformers fic, then? Razz

Yeah, I think a good guideline is that if you wouldn't put it in your mouth, don't use it on any of your other mucous membranes. Of course, there are plenty of things that you could put in your mouth that would still be horrific lube choices, but at least as a starting point...

Also, not a fanfic, but someone on my college's forum posted a thread about using hot sauce as lube. Said she wanted to "spice up" her love life.

The mere thought makes me cringe.

Edit: Pepper spray. *shudder* Someone on one of the old dejanews boards suggested pepper spray as a lube.

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:31 am

Uh, ouch much?

Sporkbender Join date: 2009-06-30

I recall mercury being used in one story. From a wall thermometer.

Hot and Botherer Join date: 2009-06-10

Lady Anne wrote:

Owlish wrote:

Also, not a fanfic, but someone on my college's forum posted a thread about using hot sauce as lube. Said she wanted to "spice up" her love life.

The mere thought makes me cringe.

Edit: Pepper spray. *shudder* Someone on one of the old dejanews boards suggested pepper spray as a lube.

What works well for that is mouth wash, or those listerine strips back in the day when they were popular- have the other person use it as it's meant to be used, and then go down on you. Hot sauce seems pretty desperate and excessive. :/

Nevvy wrote:

I recall mercury being used in one story. From a wall thermometer.

Well, considering they're already crazy, it probably won't make a difference. Colbert

And This is Why I Need Medication Join date: 2009-06-11

Sutremaine wrote:

I would imagine that it'd be alright as long as you weren't rough and didn't use it on a regular basis (ie. 'it's better than nothing, but think about doing something else instead'). Googling it is a little tricky because there's a brand of lube called Gun Oil. Maybe it's a hint.

No, it wasn't the brand-name lube (I've heard of it too). It was actual gun oil (they were on a hunting trip). And it was their first-time having sex, so even if the guy on top was trying to be careful, all I can think of is how thin the rectal walls are, and how easily they can tear Shocked

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Sat Nov 26, 2011 2:52 am

Rabid Badger wrote:

Sutremaine wrote:

I would imagine that it'd be alright as long as you weren't rough and didn't use it on a regular basis (ie. 'it's better than nothing, but think about doing something else instead'). Googling it is a little tricky because there's a brand of lube called Gun Oil. Maybe it's a hint.

No, it wasn't the brand-name lube (I've heard of it too). It was actual gun oil (they were on a hunting trip). And it was their first-time having sex, so even if the guy on top was trying to be careful, all I can think of is how thin the rectal walls are, and how easily they can tear Shocked

Gun Oil apparently got its name from the actual oil used to grease up guns AND have hot man on man sex in the barracks.

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:16 am

grmblfjx wrote:

What works well for that is mouth wash, or those listerine strips back in the day when they were popular- have the other person use it as it's meant to be used, and then go down on you. Hot sauce seems pretty desperate and excessive. :/

Huh...well, couldn't one use hot sauce in the same way? Apply a couple drops to the mouth and go from there? (This girl was talking about using hot sauce directly on sensitive parts, and I can't imagine you'd want to do that with Listerine either...)

Nevvy wrote:

I recall mercury being used in one story. From a wall thermometer.

Wow, have some cancer with your sexytiems! You'll never look at hurt/comfort smut the same way again! Excitedplz

(Also, has this person ever seen free mercury? Unless they were boning in the middle of the earth, or on the sun or something, mercury is not going to cooperate, like, at all.)

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:32 pm

Glue.

I'll never forget that...

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:44 pm

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:

Glue.

I'll never forget that...

Presumably, neither will they!

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:20 am

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:

Glue.

I'll never forget that...

Hahaha! That reminds me of that scene in American Pie 2(I think it was the second one), "I've glued myself, to myself." D'oh!

Sporkbender Join date: 2011-05-19 Age: 20 Location: Canada

Owlish wrote:

--nothing (My personal favorite, because really good sex is supposed to hurt, right?)

It is actually possible to have sex without any real lube, you just have to be highly aroused to do so. Lube is preferred because you have higher chance of an orgasm when you use it.

Chocolate. Yes, it's yummy 'n all that but it dries and gets sticky incredibly quick.

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:58 am

How about that one where Gargamel put smurfs in a blender and used the resultant paste as a lube to fuck Smurfette?

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Sat Dec 10, 2011 9:23 am

Knorg wrote:

How about that one where Gargamel put smurfs in a blender and used the resultant paste as a lube to fuck Smurfette?

There are occasionally times when I wish I wasn't a member of this board... Upset

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Sat Dec 10, 2011 3:22 pm

WD40 wrote:

Knorg wrote:

How about that one where Gargamel put smurfs in a blender and used the resultant paste as a lube to fuck Smurfette?

There are occasionally times when I wish I wasn't a member of this board... Upset

See, I've been here too long. I looked at that, and my first thought, after "Ouch! Size problem!" was "Where did he get a blender? And does his hovel even have electricity?"

But I'm weird that way.

NO NOT THE BEEEEES Join date: 2009-06-12 Age: 27

This is why we can't have nice things.

Drive-by Camwhore Join date: 2010-01-15

Knorg wrote:

How about that one where Gargamel put smurfs in a blender and used the resultant paste as a lube to fuck Smurfette?

And now my morbid side is demanding a link.

Subject: Re: Why, God, Why would you use that as lube? Sun Dec 11, 2011 8:39 am

EileenK98 wrote:

WD40 wrote:

Knorg wrote:

How about that one where Gargamel put smurfs in a blender and used the resultant paste as a lube to fuck Smurfette?

There are occasionally times when I wish I wasn't a member of this board... Upset

See, I've been here too long. I looked at that, and my first thought, after "Ouch! Size problem!" was "Where did he get a blender? And does his hovel even have electricity?"

But I'm weird that way.

Hovel? Didn't he have a big stone house? Largest shown in any of the cartoons? Do you live in a Newport mansion or something? :p

Also, the answer to the second two was "an evil wizard did it", and to the first was that the author of that story really wasn't bothered about Smurfette splitting.

Quote:

And now my morbid side is demanding a link.

Sadly It's 404 or I would totally have linked it in my post for any lingering troll-lite shockvalue. I'm funny that way.

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Why, God, Why would you use that as lube?

Why, God, Why would you use that as lube?

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