Oh boy, have I got stinker!

Now, I've practically given up on the Naruto anime, and settled on the manga. The story is good, the action is fun, the characters are likable, all around, I love it. Naruto has ninjas. Ninjas are automatically awesome (Pirates are awesome too, but I'm not here to talk about One Piece).

Then there's Final Fantasy VII. It's a decent game. It's one of those games that revolutionized the way games are seen nowadays. There's a deep plot, human characters with emotions and obstacles they have to overcome, vast amounts of symbolism and underlying themes, it's no wonder the game was milked.

And then there's today's story, Konohagakure's Unlikely Alliance, a tale of outright disappointment that would rather tell the story of a Sue more than anything else. In case you're wondering, it's a full-blown 63 chapters. And no, I don't think I want to sit through 63 chapters. I like my head unexploded, thanks. Complete with a prolog and Sue biography.

And by prolog, I mean the author doesn't take a stance supporting the politics of a log (or Republicans but is there really a difference?) but rather setting up the story for what's to come. With a whole six sentences.

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Twelve years ago, two nine tailed foxes suddenly appeared. It's tailed lashed out, smashing moutains and created tidal waves. A band of ninja's rose to defend their village from the attack. One great ninja was able to imprision the monsters, but died in the process. This ninja was known as the Fouth Hokage. This is the story of his living legacies.

Last time I checked, author, there was only one Nine-Tailed Fox demon, not two. According to Naruto mythos, the Nine Tailed Beasts were fragments of a Ten-Tailed Demon the Sage of Six Paths had sealed in himself as a Jinchuuriki. So how or why there's two Nine-Tailed Fox Demons, author, I'm going to just assume you can't count.

The next chapter is a bio for the Sue.

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HI, this is my first time doing finfiction,so please bear with me if my story isn't all that great. NO flames are allowed,please. Instead, just tell me what I can do to make it better. Reviews are a given so fell free to tell me how the story is.

Just the author's note alone should be enough to demonstrate the uphill battle I'm going to have.

Here's the point of the bio that I can't seem to fathom...

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Kekkei Genkai: Kamigan: enables to copy any justu including other Kekkei Genkai

Oh get bent, author.

Kamigan in the Sue-thor's sense means Sparkle-Eye. I have a problem with this because this Bloodline Limit doesn't exist in Naruto canon! What is your problem, Suethor?! Just how far into Naruto are you? There are only three, count them Sue-thor, three known canon Dojutsu: Sharingan for the Uchiha family, Byakugan for the Hyuuga family, and the Rinnegan, unique to only the Sage of Six Paths and Nagato, who are both dead. Neither Minato nor Kushina ever had this kind of Bloodline Limit! So how did you inherit this?

Christ's balls of fire, not even through this second "chapter" and I'm ranting already.

Sue's got a back-story and everything.

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Back when war struck out, The Fourth Hokage found her when she only two years old. Having no idea who she was or where she came from, she was taken in by him and his wife. After getting a name and a family, she was enrolled into the Academy to become a ninja. At the age of six, she graduated along with Kakashi Hatake to become Genin. At age seven, they both became Chunin and fought in the war.

Oh, fuck you, Sue-thor. Now you're not even trying.
So you're telling us you're not a blood relative, but adopted? On one hand, that explains your Sparkle-Eye. On the other hand, that doesn't excuse you being on the genius level of Kakashi.

She's a big-shot ninja, she had one of the two Nine-Tailed Fox demons sealed in her, she looks after Naruto, blah blah blah...

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Life wasn't so glamorus for them since they were Jinchuriki,but they made the best of it with the few friends that they had. And with their Godmother, Yuri, life was full of excitement. About Yuri: Yuri was Jiraiya's cousin. And like him, she was famous.

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Jiraiya's cousin! Why, Sue-thor? Why are you making this just so much harder for me?

So the Sue gets a mission from the Hokage, and we get the generic display of Fan-Japanese that's be expected.

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Back to the story: Mikomi opened the door to the Hogake's office. Inside, she saw the Third Hokage at his desk doing paper work. He looked up from his work when he heard her come in. "Ah, come in". She nodded and stepped inside, standing in front of his desk. "Konichi wa, Hokage-sama" she greeted happily. Sarutobi smiled in return.

Little does she know, the Hokage only called her in because it's time for his sponge-bath.

Obviously, the Sue accepts the mission with some more Fan-Japanese, and then an author's note.

And now we finally reach the actual first chapter!

So the Sue, Mikomi, finds Naruto eating ramen and they talk about their day:

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"So, Naruto. How was your day?" She asked. Naruto had a sour look on his face. "That Sauke-teme was acting all high and mighty again! Just because he's better than me doesn't mean that he can chew me out. I am as good as he is! Even better maybe". Mikomi ruffled his hair as she gave him a simpithetic look. " Don't let him get to you,Naruto. He just likes making other people feel bad".

I can think of someone on this forum like that.

On the way home, Mikomi and Naruto run across Kakashi, who replaces himself with his Shadow Clone Kakasji to go read in privacy. I don't blame him. Being around a Sue makes me want to puke sparkly rainbows.

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"Kakashi-Sensei" Kakasji peered through his book to see his student and old teammate. "Yo,Naruto,Mikomi" A slight blush dusted over Mikomi's face. It was a well known fact that she has had a crush on him since they were kids. He didn't know about it,but it was better that way. She didn't want to risk getting her heart broken and ruining their close friendship.

The Sue's one and only TWU WUB and I doubt she knew of Rin being on Kakashi's team.

While Mikomi and Kakashi continue flirting, I'm going to go throw up. It takes up the majority of this chapter alone...



Anyway, Naruto's all pissed because Mikomi's got a mission and whines like the brat he is.

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"Don't worry,Naruto. I'll have this missions done sooner than you know it" Naruto managed to smile a tny bit. "But while I'm gone, I expect you to behave with your teammates" He suddenly grew angry at that. "Why don't you try telling that to Sasuku-teme!"

I thought you were having trouble with Sauke-teme?

"Hey sis, I'm convinced you work the red-light district while I sleep."

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"I do not!" "You do too" "Do not" "Do too" "Do not" "Do too"

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Time for some painful, confusing exposition.

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Even thoug Naruto had his own place, he tended to stay at his sister's house A.K.A their parents home. It wasn't really considered a house for the most part. It was an old boarding house that her dad used to live in before he became Hokage. He lived in it after he became the leader of the leaf village. He would always say that he din't want to live in the Hokage mansion because it was too fancy. Her mom on the other hand said it was because he would just get lost if he lived in a big house.

That says so much and so little at the same time.

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"Hey ,Nee-chan. Wanna watch a movie before we go to bed?" She simply shruged. "Sure, why not? Yuri isn't here, so we can pig out on junk food as well". Whenever Yuri went on a mission, that was their chance to stay up late watching movies and eating junk food out the wazoo. Yuri didn't like it, but it was a tradition that they did since day one.

It sounds like something you do yourself, Sue-thor.

Time for some awesome going-to-bed action! And by awesome, I mean boring and pointless.

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Going into her closet, she pulled out a white tank top that had the Konoha emblem on it and a pair of flannel bottoms. She consider these as her pajamas, even though they were a bit skimpy. After changing into them, she went into Naruto's room to say goodnight to him. He was already in his bed when she came in. His room consisted a lot of posters of the village and different types of ramen. He even had some empty ramen containers scattered all over the place. She kissed him lightlt on his forehead. "I'll see you in the morning, ok?" Naruto nodded as his eyes became heavy. He yawned and turned to his side. "Good-night, nee-chan. Promise you'll come back safely from your mission" He would always say that before she left for a mission. It was like some sort of charm almost.

It's a heart-warming scene, but at the same time contributes only padding to a plot THAT HASN'T EVEN GONE ANYWHERE.

The chapter ends with even more pointless and boring padding, which makes it just the more relieving when it's over.

This story sucks! I cannot express in proper words how much hate I have for this story. The author tries, they really do, to be good, but they fall so flat with the over-use of typo and bad writing jutsu!

I need to go lie down...

Copy, pause.... paste.

Okay, so... wait what. Minato and Kushina adopt a kid, okay. Kid happens to have SparkleEye... what. Kid gets one of two Kyuubi sealed inside of her-- okay, screw you author! Sure I made the almost exact same mistake my first time writing, but at least there was research involved there! Basic to the very least, but... wow. Okay, first thing you do; don't make a Sue. If you can't do that, don't make her conveniently this or that, or this AND this AAAND that... oh, wait. That's a Sue.

One of the only ways this can be redeemed is with her death. Particularly one that isn't a self-sacrifice one where she's saving the entire world and everyone's gonna get along with peace and happiness and love and sparkles because even though she died she made the world 20% cooler.

Much as I despise and hate every inch of this story, I will continue snarking this until my sanity gives way or there are no chapters left, whichever comes first. Probably the former.

So Chapter 4 starts with the author trying to coax the readers into a false sense of security.

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When you hear 'The Planet', many things pop into your head. Sephiroth, Meteor, Jenova, Geostigma, Deepground, and of course Cloud Strife and AVALANCE. Their stories are legendary to us all. People would think that after all that has happened, the planet would be at peace. You'd think that Cloud and his friends would finally get a break from all of this chaos, but sadly, luck wasn't with them at all.

Luck isn't with the reader this far into the story.

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It all started with a rumor that Sephiroth was still alive. No one believed it, but lately they saw black feathers scattered in various places. Some thought it was a joke, but it became evident that no one would play a sick joke like this. Everyone just pushed that thought away. The thought that Sephiroth was actually back. But what they saw next would shake the planet to its core.

Wow, exposition, you're really harrowing and suspenseful. I'm on the edge of my seat. I should probably sit back a little...

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Sephiroth was real and he was back for revenge.

DUN DUN DUN DUN!

Sephiroth's resurrection story count: 13,263,847,384,439

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Shin-Ra never knew why he was at headquarters. Maybe he wanted to see if the remains of Jenova's body were still around. Or perhaps he wanted to make his presence known to everyone. Particularly Cloud.

Or maybe he just came for his Retirement pay?

Whatever, ShinRa and AVALANCHE totally overreacts.

But Cloud takes it rather well.

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The blonde was seriously pissed off. No, he was beyond pisses, he was super pissed off that this was happening

And the audience is super-special-awesomely-ultra-mega-maximum-pissed off at how unbelievable this writing has become.

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Tifa was worried about him. Things were starting to go well for them and now this had to happen. She was upset about this as well as the others. But this was serious to Cloud. He was going back to his 'emo' self again and was taking it out on everyone.

He was whining about how little game-time he had in Dirge of Cerberus.

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"Has anyone thought of any ideas yet?" They had spent the whole day trying to find ways of destroying Sephiroth. Some of them were good, but not good enough and others just sounded impossible. When no one responded, he sighed. "We're not making much progress"

JUST READ THE GODDAMN STRATEGY GUIDE AGAIN!

Halfway through this chapter and it devolves into a pointless conversation. But wait! Vincent has something not totally useless to add to this shit-fest!

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"Don't forget that he's not the only problem we have to worry about" Vincent said. "We have those three brothers to worry about as well". It was true. Two days after Sephiroth was spotted, the remnant brothers were spotted was well. It seemed they couldn't have one without the other.

How much does it add to the plot? Not much. In fact, they're about as useless in this story as they were in Advent Children.

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No one really said anything as they continued to think of ideas.

Thanks for sharing that, author. Good to know this plot is still dead in the water.

This author must like to add the most pointless lines to this story.

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Yuffie continued spinning in her chair. You would think the motion sickness queen would be sick to her stomach by now, but apparently she was fine.

I bet Yuffie loves the water too, because it's where the fish live.

Yuffie, in all her uselessness suggest they need a miracle. Cloud gets all introspective about Aerith, generally useless and the chapter ends.

Thankfully.

I HATE THIS STORY! They are simply chapters of nothing!

Fuck it. If someone want to snark the next chapter, be my fucking guest!

C'mon Ian, "u kan dooo eeeet!"

Reidmar wrote:

C'mon Ian, "u kan dooo eeeet!"

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^You know, what they said.

So it turns out Andy's Mom's favorite toys are also called Buzz and Woody.

This is a thread about a Naruto fanfiction from 2009. This is hardly the time to care about being late.

Aside from supposed canon rape and abuse of the English language - meh.

Unfunny snark, Ian. Sorry. It just feels more nitpicky than anything.

This thread is so 2005. Remember when getting nitpicky was popular?