It will come as no surprise to Transformers fans or WGWers that Transformers porn exists. After all, the Internet exists for the purposes of providing a plentiful supply of porn, an outlet for every dipshit with a keyboard to spew horrible fanfic all over cyberspace, and ruining your childhood memories forever. At the confluence of these, we have Phantom’s Adult Transformers Archive.

Now, when writing porn about giant robots that turn into vehicles, there are two approaches. “Sticky” assumes that Transformers can take off their vehicular parts (known as “armour”) to reveal an android-like form underneath, complete with robot dick/vag/tits, and is for people with no imaginations. “Plug ’n’ Play” requires serious thought about how two mechanical beings would have sex, and is for people who fuck photocopiers. Phantom favours the former approach, and so we get lulzy scenes like this:

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Optimus shot up in his recharge berth, howling as his throbbing shaft flung burst after burst of cum into the air. He trembled and gasped, moaning loudly as his juices sprayed onto his body, the berth, and the walls.

Mmm, a sentient robot truck jizzing a room – so erotic. I’m fingering myself right now.

One of the interesting things about Phantom is that she seems to be quite uncomfortable writing slash. This is unusual in the Transformers fandom, as the cast is a total sausage (or as Phantom would say, interface) fest. Female OCs abound to provide girlfriends for the cast. When Phantom does write slash, she often turns away from it at the last minute, revealing it to be a fantasy (Megatron captures Prime and sucks him off, it turns out to be a dream; Ultra Magnus has sex with Prime, he’s really on a holodeck rip-off with a holographic Prime). Other times, she makes one of the guys transgendered. I would call this progressive, or even an interesting notion to play with, except she gives other characters internal monologues like this:

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Megatron froze there, stunned and unsure how to react. His instinct was to recoil in disgust and horror, but he found that his body refused to obey his command. "Starscream used to be female," he thought to himself suddenly. "Is it possible after all this time that he's held onto his female preferences, such as lust for men?"

Having reassured herself and her readers that it isn’t gay because Starscream used to be a girl, Phantom continues with the sexxin’. There's a similar scenario in “The Flip Side”, in which Prime gets turned into a female by Q and proceeds to have sex with Megatron (actually it starts out as rape but he ends up loving it) and Elita One (who Phantom insists on calling ‘Alita’).

Phantom’s one out-and-out gay male OC (she writes Prime as a semi-closeted bisexual) is called ‘Flamer’.

Yes.

The only slashfic that isn't a fantasy, doesn't involve a transgendered character to make it Not Gay, or isn't deeply offensive in some way is Kissing Sisters, which involves two female Transformers at a time when there are no males on the planet.

For someone who writes a lot of female OCs, Phantom’s female characters (both original and canon) are little more than walking stereotypes. In “The Flip Side”, femme!Prime gets an inside look at the female recreation room:

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The small groups of femmes chatted about this and that, who was thinking about getting a paint job change, who was dating who, the last assignment they'd gone on.

I’m surprised “Women be shopping” didn’t make the list.

Elita One suffers most of all, going from being a competent leader the equal of Optimus Prime (right down to the same reckless suicidal bravery), to a sex-obsessed ditz with no decorum, who discusses her partner’s sexual fetishes with her underlings, feels Prime up during important meetings and doesn’t even care that Megatron raped him.

Phantom also links to a bunch of other authors, so there’s plenty of stuff for the rest of you to look at. I’m not reading all this shit. There's plenty of nonsense that goes along with writing Transformers as humanoid too, like TFs "sweating" coolant, and descriptions of metal as "supple".

Let’s close out with one of Phantom’s more memorable fics (in that it was sporked on a previous incarnation of GAFF/House/WGW), Burst. Because if Transformers have robot dicks to fuck with, it stands to reason that they can piss with them too:

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A cry wrenched itself from his lips as the unthinkable happened. Once he had let go of his pole, the pressure within his waste tank had become critical, and the need to void itself overrode command from his cerebral cortex. The dam burst, fluid bursting from his throbbing cock in a thunderous rush, drenching the floor before him. His whole body shook in horror as he futilely tried to halt the flow. His hands clamped down on the base of his pole, then tried to block the tip, which only sprayed the liquid out in all directions. Finally Prime's shoulders slumped as he gave in to the inevitable. He studied the growing puddle on the floor with despair. There was nothing more that he could do.

Sexy.

I will never get how people find robots fucking each other, regardless of how, hot or worth writing about.

This was my first foray into Transformers porn. I still lol at it today even though it digs out the Transformers higher brain functions with a tire iron.

Did you also see on the top of her page how she also has as page just like this for Harry Potter in order to chronicle the sexcapades of 'Naughty Wizards and their Wands'.

It's not presented as sexy in the books. It's just a matter of course. Of course wand length does tell a bit about a wizard's level of power...

Ah, Phantom. Her stuff was my introduction into the world of "Holy Crap People Write Porn About This".

I just read that weird rapefic and I'm still wondering what the fuck is wrong with Q that he can't find anything to do except give horny robots sex changes.

Have I ever mentioned that the snark of the Q changing Optimus's sex fic is my favorite ever in the history of GAFF?