Trust me, you don't want to be their lover: Canon characters

Sporkbender Join date: 2010-01-02 Age: 36

Hot Cancer wrote:

Before that I got the impression he'd have blown up the whole station with everyone on it if he thought it'd end his exile. Plus he more or less admits to Ziyal that he's only bothered with her because she's the only other Cardassian on the station, and isn't exactly devestated when she dies.

Agreed. Although I don't think he changed much. The Dominion War landed him on the right side of the border by accident, as far as I'm concerned.

He is a cold blooded killer. Trained with the attitude that the Obsidian Order IS Cardassia. Actually I think he and Weyoun are a lot alike.

One is serving the Founders, the other Cardassia and I doubt having a wife and family back on Cardassia was ever Garaks secret plan or hope or whatever.

What do you tell your wife and children when you've been chosen for the honor to go on this undercover assignment to Tzenketh for what might be years or maybe forever? Doesn't combine well with the Cardassian attitude towards family.

Garak was a ruthless servant of his state and absolutely selfserving. Because what's good for him is good for the Order and what's good for the Order is good for Cardassia.

Although that doesn't mean he wouldn't be good for a one night stand. Just don't fall in love with the bad guy.

NO NOT THE BEEEEES Join date: 2009-06-12 Age: 27

Megatron.

Okay, so he's powerful.

He's also evil. All versions of him are an evil mother-fucker who is only interested in how much you can do for him. He wouldn't come back for you. If he got sick of you, you can say, "Goodbye, attachment to power." And he'd probably get sick of you quite quickly too. Megatron stikes me as a guy who'd sell out his own cock for power, let alone his girlfriend.

And from all that I've read in fanfiction, he's gay anyway.

I wouldn't fancy engaging in penetrative intercourse with Dawn O'Keefe from the 2007 movie Teeth - Imagine if something shocked her midway and she bit down in surprise!

Knorg wrote:

I wouldn't fancy engaging in penetrative intercourse with Dawn O'Keefe from the 2007 movie Teeth - Imagine if something shocked her midway and she bit down in surprise!

Also because in that movie, castration = death.

Maximilia wrote:

Knorg wrote:

I wouldn't fancy engaging in penetrative intercourse with Dawn O'Keefe from the 2007 movie Teeth - Imagine if something shocked her midway and she bit down in surprise!

Also because in that movie, castration = death.

No, only one of them died, presumibly because he fell into the water in shock and drowned.
Still wouldn't advise it though.

Speaking of dangerous women, River Tam is an awesome gal, but I'd be terrified to be within a mile of her.

One fanbrat favorite is Jack Sparrow. Sexy? Yes. Played by Johnny Depp? Yes. Waiting to fall in twu wuv with your Sue? Uh...no.

First, consider the setting--the early 18th century. This means that there were very few methods of contraception available, those that were available weren't terribly effective, and they weren't used very often. Hence, he probably has kids in every port, so your child with him would not be all that special, and would definitely not turn him into a woobie and a good father.

Also, that lack of contraceptives that I mentioned? That also translates into a lack of preventatives for STDs. There was also a distinctive lack of safe, effective treatments for them (mercury was a common treatment for syphilis). Since this character has been shown to take an interest in sex with pretty much any available woman (and probably man and goat), it's a sure bet that he's got pretty much every STD that existed at the time. You wouldn't have to worry about catching HIV from him, since it hadn't yet appeared in humans (that we know of), but that's it--and some of those other diseases can be equally deadly without treatment. They can also be spread to your offspring.

Even if you could overlook all these things (like your Sue is infertile and is magically immune to disease), you still won't be his true love. He's already got a true love--himself. Jack Sparrow is one of film's most narcissistic characters.

Lady Anne wrote:

-A very sensible argument as to why Jack Sparrow would not make a good boyfriend.-

You write with logic and wisdom, but you forget that he is played by Johnny Depp, and therefore your argument is invalid.

Depp could spend an entire movie standing still and pulling this face

, and fangirls would still write self-insert fics about it.

Armbiter of Good Fanfiction Join date: 2009-06-11 Age: 24

Lady Anne wrote:

One fanbrat favorite is Jack Sparrow. Sexy? Yes. Played by Johnny Depp? Yes. Waiting to fall in twu wuv with your Sue? Uh...no.

First, consider the setting--the early 18th century. This means that there were very few methods of contraception available, those that were available weren't terribly effective, and they weren't used very often. Hence, he probably has kids in every port, so your child with him would not be all that special, and would definitely not turn him into a woobie and a good father.

Also, that lack of contraceptives that I mentioned? That also translates into a lack of preventatives for STDs. There was also a distinctive lack of safe, effective treatments for them (mercury was a common treatment for syphilis). Since this character has been shown to take an interest in sex with pretty much any available woman (and probably man and goat), it's a sure bet that he's got pretty much every STD that existed at the time. You wouldn't have to worry about catching HIV from him, since it hadn't yet appeared in humans (that we know of), but that's it--and some of those other diseases can be equally deadly without treatment. They can also be spread to your offspring.

Even if you could overlook all these things (like your Sue is infertile and is magically immune to disease), you still won't be his true love. He's already got a true love--himself. Jack Sparrow is one of film's most narcissistic characters.

I've also heard that some fans conjecture that Jack walks unsteadily so much of the time because of an advanced case of syphilis. Also, did you not see his teeth? Yellow. You don't want to be kissing that, ladies.

Chicago Brown wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

-A very sensible argument as to why Jack Sparrow would not make a good boyfriend.-

You write with logic and wisdom, but you forget that he is played by Johnny Depp, and therefore your argument is invalid.

Depp could spend an entire movie standing still and pulling this face

, and fangirls would still write self-insert fics about it.

My dad said once, "Johnny Depp could dress up as a piece of poop and run around making fart noises an entire movie and you'd still love him."

I wouldn't go that far, but... yeah.

Sheba wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

One fanbrat favorite is Jack Sparrow. Sexy? Yes. Played by Johnny Depp? Yes. Waiting to fall in twu wuv with your Sue? Uh...no.

First, consider the setting--the early 18th century. This means that there were very few methods of contraception available, those that were available weren't terribly effective, and they weren't used very often. Hence, he probably has kids in every port, so your child with him would not be all that special, and would definitely not turn him into a woobie and a good father.

Also, that lack of contraceptives that I mentioned? That also translates into a lack of preventatives for STDs. There was also a distinctive lack of safe, effective treatments for them (mercury was a common treatment for syphilis). Since this character has been shown to take an interest in sex with pretty much any available woman (and probably man and goat), it's a sure bet that he's got pretty much every STD that existed at the time. You wouldn't have to worry about catching HIV from him, since it hadn't yet appeared in humans (that we know of), but that's it--and some of those other diseases can be equally deadly without treatment. They can also be spread to your offspring.

Even if you could overlook all these things (like your Sue is infertile and is magically immune to disease), you still won't be his true love. He's already got a true love--himself. Jack Sparrow is one of film's most narcissistic characters.

I've also heard that some fans conjecture that Jack walks unsteadily so much of the time because of an advanced case of syphilis. Also, did you not see his teeth? Yellow. You don't want to be kissing that, ladies.

Speaking of which, have we covered how Jack Sparrow would smell? Every time I see him, I always imagine the stale smell of dirty beard.

NO NOT THE BEEEEES Join date: 2009-06-12 Age: 27

Admittedly Jack does have a love other than himself - the ocean, and the Black Pearl. He's not gonna settle down with your Sue. She'd have to come with him and learn shipping.

Which she'd probably do with astonishingly sue-like speed.

Even the 18th century characters comment on his lack of personal hygiene. Or at least, Elizabeth does. The only way I can see a Jackship fic working is if he finds the Fountain of Youth, survives to modern times and learns a little about personal hygiene and manners.

Chaltab wrote:

The only way I can see a Jackship fic working is if he finds the Fountain of Youth, survives to modern times and learns a little about personal hygiene and manners.

I'm not sure I want to see that, personally.

I don't imagine it would make for a particularly interesting fic either.

And yet you still managed to curse it into being.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Most of the Greek and Roman gods were shitty lovers, iirc. I would really rather not hook up with any of them.

Actually Hades was a pretty stand up guy. The only really bastardy thing he's really done is kidnap Persephone.

Contributor Join date: 2009-06-10 Location: computer chair

If you look, Jack Sparrow has an open sore on his face through all three movies. That is not an indicator of good health.

Drive-by Camwhore Join date: 2010-01-28 Age: 21

Chaltab wrote:

Even the 18th century characters comment on his lack of personal hygiene. Or at least, Elizabeth does. The only way I can see a Jackship fic working is if he finds the Fountain of Youth, survives to modern times and learns a little about personal hygiene and manners.

He also used his breath as a weapon on at least one occasion. No way am I kissing that.

It is just possible that Jack Sparrow does not have syphilis.

Treponema pallidum, the spirochete that causes syphilis, is highly heat-sensitive: it's killed off in anything more than a degree or so above normal body temperature. And Jack almost certainly does suffer from malaria. By the end of the nineteenth century malaria was being deliberately induced as a cure for syphilis. (Not a pleasant set of options. Choice 1, you get violent fever and chills, you have a chance of death, and you have to drink gin and tonic for the rest of your life. Choice 2, your brain rots out and your dick falls off -- we all saw The Libertine.)

So think it's possible that Jack has been infected with T. pallidum -- possibly more than once -- but been cured of it without ever knowing how. A bastard he surely is; a poxy bastard, he may not be.

Or he may. It's also possible that his ataxia is a symptom of tertiary syphilis.

And it's highly, highly likely that he does suffer from every other sexually (or otherwise) transmitted infection or organism in the Caribbean, including but not limited to gonorrhea, crabs the size of lobsters, genital warts, genital herpes, Twonk's Disease and fallen armpits. Not to mention the thriving ecosystem in those dreadlocks.

And as thebonerules reminds us, it has been established as canon that Jack Sparrow can knock a strong man overboard with his breath.

This is all true, but once again- Johnny Depp.

maladroit_mooncalf wrote:

Jonathan Crane, The Scarecrow, is nowhere near as attractive as Cillian Murphy and the amount of fangirls this character picked up post-movie is amazing. While the comic version has definitely shown some interest in women and can be pretty easily manipulated by them, the one in the movie comes across more asexual and would only want to do one thing to your sue...and she's not going to enjoy it.

Thank you. I've been part of the Batfandom for about a year now, and seriously, the Jonathan Crane fangirls freak me the hell out. I can understand the appeal of a skinny smart guy, but then there's also skinny, smart, and eyeball-pluckingly ratfuck crazy, which isn't hot when he's more interested in turning your brain inside-out than having sex with you. True, women can get around comics-Crane more easily, but there's a trade-off: if you go by the comics or the animated series instead of the films, Crane isn't a hottie. He varies from decently tolerable to an exaggerated of Irving's Ichabod Crane, who if we recall was no underwear model. And whatever medium you're in, Crane = crazy.

The sisters of the Crane fangirls are the Riddler fangirls. Full disclosure here--I RP the Riddler on a largely OC-centered forum. However, in doing so, I try to remember that Edward Nygma/Nigma/Nashton is neither a sex god nor just in need of some love. For most of his comics appearances, he's been a pretty disturbed individual with prize-winning OCD and a childhood that, depending on which retcons you're working from, varies from merely neglectful to incredibly abusive. Oh, and the death traps? Remember the death traps, anybody? He's got more issues than a newsstand.

Okay, granted, he's not 100% homicidal lunatic. He's more interested in his puzzles than annihilating people. But that doesn't mean that the Riddler is someone you want to spend any length of time with: he's an obsessive egomaniac who has little or no life outside of the narrow sphere of his criminal work, and yes, he's still put people in death traps to test their intelligence. This is not boyfriend material, girls.

And newsflash: he won't be impressed by a Sue that shows a bit of skin or has a tough, badass attitude. His two most loyal henchgirls are a biker chick and an ex-dominatrix, both of whom consider thong leotards everyday wear.

. . . yeah, you can tell I've got an axe to grind, can't you?

But any longstanding Batman villain is pretty much not a good idea to date.

Well, heck, why don't we add Batman to the list while we're at it? Secretive lifestyle, obsessed with his work, hazardous occupation, has to pretend to be a womanizing creep to keep his cover from being blown. And plus, if you're in any way associated with him, you're constantly in danger: being his girlfriend would be as good as painting a big fat target on your back and wearing a shirt that says "Shoot Here." There's a reason his most enduring love interest is a friggin' Rogue: nobody else would survive.

Cactus Wren wrote:

Or he may. It's also possible that his ataxia is a symptom of tertiary syphilis.

I just assumed his ataxia was a symptom of being perpetually drunk for years on end, personally. I would go on here about how terrible he probably smells, but it's also possible that the stink of liquor oozing from every pore might cover up some of the stench and/or make your nose go numb before the worst of it hits.

Tungsten Monk wrote:

Well, heck, why don't we add Batman to the list while we're at it? Secretive lifestyle, obsessed with his work, hazardous occupation, has to pretend to be a womanizing creep to keep his cover from being blown. And plus, if you're in any way associated with him, you're constantly in danger: being his girlfriend would be as good as painting a big fat target on your back and wearing a shirt that says "Shoot Here." There's a reason his most enduring love interest is a friggin' Rogue: nobody else would survive.

Not to mention the fact that the man has a terrible, cynical, painful sense of non-humour. Especially in the JLA universe, he's really pretty much a sour jerk. We are talking about a man whose social life is a lie and who, as a hobby, gets his bones broken again and again because he wants to protect 'his' city. He's a great guy to have at your back when you're fighting a monster from outer space, but he won't hold your hand, exchange romantic nonsense and watch the sunset with you.

Bruce Wayne may bang you--and then will forget about you. Batman wouldn't have time to do so. Hell, even Selina had to do with a kiss, and that was AFTER she remarked he really needed a bath and a shave. Which brings me to a personal pieve with the Batman series. The guy is beat up A LOT. No way he still has his pretty straight nose. No way his alter ego can be hidden underneath a tux. No way he can relax at a swimming pool with a bunch of pretty airheads without getting comments about his bruises, scars and half-healed wounds. Kingdom Come was excellent that way; at the age of 50, Batman couldn't walk without an exo-skeleton because all his bones were busted.

And if you think the leather's hot, kindly remember that he dons that mask as a disguise. According to the (otherwise horrible) All Star Batman and Robin, Batman talks like John Wayne, some disgusting phony drawl. Yeah, dating a psycho with anger issues and a love for the dark...sounds like a dream come true!

NO NOT THE BEEEEES Join date: 2009-06-12 Age: 27

Well, regarding the above, The Riddler did at one point display that he might be redeemable - I can't remember where it was but one time he said to Batman (along the lines of), "I really wanted to win this time. I didn't mean to tip you off, but I had to. I think I might need help."

But unless you're a qualified psychiatrist, you're not gona turn him around.

And while we're on the topic of Batman villains, Two-Face. 50% of the time he's okay. Well, he's not OKAY, but he is calm and polite. The other 50%, he's totally crazy and a bastard.

For him to show interest in you, not only would you have to have some kind of duality about you, but the coin would have to come good heads up on a pretty regular basis.

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Trust me, you don't want to be their lover: Canon characters

Trust me, you don't want to be their lover: Canon characters

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