Some fanbrats seem to have a strong desire to pair their Mary Sues/Marty Stus with the most inappropriate canon characters. Typically, this means that the fanbrat themselves would like to have sex with the canon character. In addition to being full of self-inserts and badly written, these stories have an additional WTF? factor as the reader wonders why anyone would want to hook up with these characters.

Case in point: the Joker. What the rational viewer sees: a horrendously scarred homicidal maniac who enjoys other people's suffering (hence his use of knives over guns). What the fanbrats see: a woobie who just needs twu wuv.

Earth to fanbrats: the Joker is ugly, mean, and loves violence and chaos more than anything. The closest he comes to loving another person is his obsession with Batman. (And Batman and Joker wouldn't make a good pairing, either...obsession does not a good relationship make.)

If ever there was a case of Misaimed Fandom, this is it.

Thankfully when young heterosexual males write badfic, they're usually not woobifying someone horrible. (Of course they're often turning canon characters that might make for interesting relationships into mindless sex kittens which I don't suppose is much better, but that's a discussion for another time)

So I'm going to just assume that I know enough about the psyche of intelligent women to contribute:

Draco Malfoy: He's an arrogant, racist, cowardly snob. At best he's going to fall for someone who is equally arrogant and racist. If the entire Wizarding War wasn't enough to shake him out of his mindset, then I doubt your Sue will cut it.

Sephiroth: Yeah, I'm hitting easy targets, but this one is so blatantly wrong that it kills me. Sephiroth is a psychotic mama's boy who murders people on a whim and tried to blow up the planet. No amount of tender love'n'care is going to bring him back to sanity.

Light Yagami: Mass murder is perfectly excusable if you're hot!

A hell of a large number of Naruto characters - one of them being a masochistic sadist who would probably get half-way through sex with you before killing you for both his religion and "for the lulz".

Jason Voorhees.

Okay so he's a guy it's pretty easy to feel sorry for, but not THAT sorry. He's INCREDIBLY terratorial - even hanging around the borders of Camp Crystal Lake is begging for a machete to the spine.

Years of concealing his face has made him look even worse than he was as a kid. He's mentally retarded. He's almost bald. He's not in his mid-twenties either. He's somewhere around 40.

If you look like his mom he may spare you. But that doesn't mean he'll let you go; he'll probably just keep you for a pet.

~~~

Hades (Disney's Hercules)

This is the Lord of the Dead we're talking about here. If you're going to do Disney's Hercules you could at least maintain his personality. Which is, when all's said and done, extremely cool but still a leering sociopath. And he smells of sulphur and brimstone.

If you're going to do it in the style of regular mythology, do research and find out that he wasn't a smooth-talking car-dealer type back then. And he wasn't as quick to make deals for people's souls as Disney portrayed him.

I've only seen one fic that did it right and she did a VAST amount of research on Greek mythology. And she didn't use her own character either.

Besides, Hades is a married man!

You'd think fanbrats would be all over the Persephone/Hades thing. There's so many angles you can use to shit out PURE ANGST.

Most of the Greek and Roman gods were shitty lovers, iirc. I would really rather not hook up with any of them.

Zim: He's a moronic alien who can't even take over an equally dumb world and would sooner give humorously strange, threatening speeches at your Mary Sue than swoon and be romantic with them. And for the love of God, will someone please tell those authors that Zim is as tall as he's ever going to get? If I had a nickel for every fic that increased his height because he was in middle/high school...

I said 'em before and I'll say 'em again:

The Borg: Seriously, they aren't into sex. The only thing they want to do is assimilate you and turn you into just another drone. And even if you could cut one off from the Collective, they would just send wave after wave of cubes to get that one back.

Weyoun: He's not going to love you. He's going to manipulate you into doing what The Dominion wants. And if you try too hard, he'll just hand you over to a squad of Jem'Hadar for live-fire target practice.

Dukat: On a good day, he's just a manipulative schemer with a dash of lechery. By the end of the series, he's a full-on psychopath who would gladly burn a hole through your chest if it meant advancing him one step closer to his goal.

Rorschach from Watchmen. If I have to explain why to you, you're weren't paying attention to the movie.

You don't want to have sex with Gaius Baltar. If you do have sex with him, you'll probably turn out to be a cylon.

The Borg Queen. She's scary and hot and you know she's going to do some terrifyingly painful things to you, but at the same time, the thought turns me on.

Assimilate me with a side order of extreme BDSM.

Just had a flashback to my misspent youth. Ladies and Gents, let me present to you a man whom only a psychotic Plant/Human hybrid could having feelings for; Legato Bluesummers from Trigun. Deceptively calm (in the way that the eye of a hurricane is deceptively calm), Legato possessed truly scary psychopathic ability (including reading minds), and came complete with one of the most messed up childhoods you could get (he was essentially sold as a sex slave at a fairly young age and remained one till Knives stumbled across the slave market one day and 'liberated' him by killing everyone else). Even then, he possessed his psychic powers, which Knives probably sensed before he ever saw him. He worshipped the ground Knives walked on, viewing him as basically a God, who not only saved him from the slavers, but also allowed him to live so he could serve him.

A man who never showed the slightest interest in sex, he engaged in such pass times as causing a gang of killers to turn on each other using only his psychic ability. And he wasn't even really angry at them-they'd just annoyed him while he was trying to eat some ice cream.

He devoted most of his time to making Vash the Stampede's life miserable. In the anime, he essentially forced Vash to kill him, thereby causing him to have a complete and total nervous collapse. And he died with a smile on his face.

In short, he was a twisted, psychotic wreck who served Knives willingly, and his most likely reaction to your Sue/Stu would've been to make them rip their own heart out.

Definately not boyfriend material.

Claude Frollo, Disney version: He's racist. He's sexphobic as hell.

Hugo's version: He's racist. He's sexphobic as hell. He's a PRIEST. He's sexually obsessed with a girl young enough to be his daughter. He stood and watched as she was tortured into confessing to a crime he had committed, and then went to her in prison and whined about how SHE was making HIM suffer.

Hugo's version offered Esmeralda the choice: "Die, or submit to me sexually."

Disney's version offered Esmeralda the choice: "Die in prolonged agony, or submit to me sexually."

This is rape. The character is a rapist. Sexual obsession is not "love".

Oh, boy, do I ever remember my first encounter with Danisha! I was too young to really know the difference between good and bad fanfic, but I knew there was definitely something off about Frollo cracking dirty jokes while buying vegetables.

Say, aren't you the one who posted that stomach-turningly accurate story where someone confronted Danisha with the details of what her precious Claude did at his "little bonfire"?

Canon!Snape. Yes - Alan Rickman is sexy. SNAPE has sallow skin (unsexy), greasy hair (unsexy), is mean and cruel and considering he has always and ever only loved Lily Evans in all likelyhood a 35 year old virgin and not the passionate experienced lover you see in him.
And if your Sue is his student, he just wouldn't. Because.

Hot Cancer wrote:

Quote: Weyoun: He's not going to love you. He's going to manipulate you into doing what The Dominion wants. And if you try too hard, he'll just hand you over to a squad of Jem'Hadar for live-fire target practice. In any case, I wouldn't be surprised if Weyoun and the Vorta are genetically engineered without genitals and only appear to have genders to make it easier for the "solids" to identify with them.

Even if they do have genitals I would bet on it, that they don't couple up, mate and sprout little Vortas.

They were designed to serve. They are the perfect servants. They don't need to reproduce naturally, because they are all clones. It would divert their attention from overthrowing other species and doing the founders will.

Imagine it:

Founder: Prepare the fleet for battle, we'll retake Terok Nor.
Weyoun: Sure - ehm. Tomorrow. Sorry, I've got to babysit Weyoun junior. Eris has her day out with her friends, they want have a few drinks at Quarks and...
Founder: Understood. It's a minor setback to wait for the battle a couple of hours longer - it's just so nice to see your genetically engineered servants reproducing naturally. Here *replicates lollipop* Give this to little-Weyoun and tell him his Founder loves him so much.
Weyoun: Sure, thanks. Well - gotto be off now.

Jem'Hadar: It is time for the White.
Weyoun. Yes, yes. Tell your men to wait a while longer. First I'll have to change little-Weyouns diapers and carry him to sleep.
Jem'Hadar: Two hours ago you said you would distribute it after he was fed.
Weyoun: Yes. I did say that. That was before he spilled his Rippleberry-juice all over us and I had to bathe him and shower myself.

NO.
WAY.

They don't reproduce naturally because cloning is more efficient.
Makes dating and sex pointless.

Interestingly enough he seems to like watching others do it - especially different species. Adding his hobby of "examining" trash by destroying it, he comes across as a large child with a genetically enhanced mind and just one priority.

I love Weyoun.
He's one of my favourite characters next to Robin Hobbs Fool.

But he's a fighter, baby - not a lover. Definatly.

Starscream

Let's assume he's sexy by robot standards.

He's also a stuck-up, arrogant, vain little sycophant bastard. He's also a liar. Bay did a lousy job of showing this but then, he did a lousy job of developing ANY of the transformers' personalities. If you got captured, he wouldn't rescue you without having a HUGE advantage. He'd only like you if you were as sycophantic towards him as he is towards Megatron. If you started slowing him down he'd toss you aside like last week's newspaper.

He's a HUGE coward.

He is NOT a nice guy.